


Walking Away from the Edge

by BimeyMooMimey



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: All characters are gay af, But also a good amount of fluff, Characters are not in a game, Comfort, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Lots of Angst, Monika is good, Not Canon Compliant, Potentially OOC Monika, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2019-04-07 19:03:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 40,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14087598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BimeyMooMimey/pseuds/BimeyMooMimey
Summary: Sayori is not well. After a disturbing event, Monika knows that she will have to do whatever she can to make her feel better again.





	1. The Morning of the Festival

It was the day of the festival. The day when all of the various clubs would host their own events for the entire school, showing off what they had to offer in an effort to attract more members. Not like Monika cared much, though. She knew that the Literature Club had never caught the attention of many other people, particularly high schoolers. That was partly why she had founded the Literature Club in the first place, just so it could be a small, quiet place where close-knit and like-minded people could hang out. She hated the drama around the other larger clubs, and she honestly never wanted the Literature Club to grow all that much. While she figured there might be some people that drop in on what her club was doing during the festival, she knew it would be more of a time just for her and her friends, just like any other meeting of the Literature Club. Just with cupcakes and fancy decorations.

But still, she was excited for the festival. Overwhelmingly so, even. Why?

Because today was the day she was finally going to ask Sayori out.

Sayori, the girl with whom she had first started the Literature Club. Sayori, the Vice President of the Club who made sure that everyone got along, even when Yuri and Natsuki had fought endlessly in the beginning. Sayori, the selfless, sweet girl who always made her smile whenever she was stressed out and sad. Beautiful, energetic, kind, wonderful Sayori. Say-o-ri. The one whom Monika loved more than anything on this entire earth.

One might have been able to call it love at first sight. It was sometime in the middle of both of their sophomore years of high school when they met. Monika, wanting to leave the debate club for something smaller and more intimate…and that was how she met Sayori, after she had come to her expressing interest in the idea of a Literature Club. They were both seniors now, but Monika’s love for her hadn’t diminished in the slightest; in fact, her adoration only grew with time. From Monika’s perspective, Sayori glided through life on a rainbow of sunshine. She was the one who lighted up the lives of everyone around her, no matter how down they may be feeling. Selfless, happy, carefree, and down-to-earth. Yes, Sayori would be a wonderful girlfriend. Monika just hoped that she would be able to be a decent girlfriend back.

She had planned everything. They would all arrive together to school and finish setting up their small, little classroom for the festival. Once it became clear that very few people were interested this year, as was always the case, and after they had stuffed their faces with cupcakes (okay, well after _Sayori_ had stuffed her face with cupcakes…and why wouldn’t she?? Natsuki’s cooking is very good, after all!), Monika would suggest that they might as well share their poems. Sayori would immediately volunteer to go first. Then Yuri would most likely go next, and Natsuki, probably wanting to one-up her, would follow after her. Monika would insist on going last no matter what.

That was how Monika would ask her out: via poetry. She thought that it was fitting, given their history. And after she shared her poem? Well…then whatever would happen next would be up to the fates that be. But she had built up her confidence enough that she was at least hopeful of a positive reception from Sayori.

That was how it was supposed to go, in Monika’s head at least. Unfortunately, the universe had a different version of events in mind.

After Monika had gotten up and had a small something to eat (not preparing tea because she knew she would get plenty from Yuri that day), she gathered a few of her things and, trying to calm her nerves, left her house and went over to Yuri’s place. They had all arranged to meet there that morning so they could help bring over the cupcakes and decorations. So, at around 10:15 that morning, Monika walked up to Yuri’s front door and gave it a loud but gentle knock.

To her mild surprise, it was Natsuki who entered the door wearing a very messy baking apron.

“Oh…hey, Monika,” the short, pink-haired girl said to her, flashing her a grin. “You caught us at just the right time. We’re just putting the finishing touches on the cupcakes!”

"Hello Natsuki," Monika said cheerfully as she raised an eyebrow, stepping inside. “I thought you said that you were going to make the cupcakes last night?” she asked quizzically. Natsuki closed the door behind her, and suddenly Monika noticed that she was looking a little flustered.

“…w-well, I wanted them to be fresh so I just decided to bake them this morning,” she said with a small blush on her cheeks, adding in a quiet voice, “…plus, I was a little distracted last night.”

“Oh, I see…” Monika said, an amused smile coming across her face as she regarded the bashful girl carefully. “And this, erm, _distraction_ wouldn’t have had anything to do with Yuri, would it?”

Natsuki’s eyes widened as she whirled on her. “H-hey!” she said angrily, glaring at her. “We weren’t…I-I’m not sure what you’re thinking we were doing, but… _UGH!_ ” she concluded exasperatedly, as Monika giggled. Natsuki’s blush had only increased to the point where her entire face was red by this point.

Approximately one month ago, during one of the Club meetings, Yuri and Natsuki announced to Monika and Sayori that they were dating. When exactly they had begun dating Monika was not sure, but she hadn’t been surprised in the slightest. The two girls, despite being polar opposites personality-wise, had grown infinitely closer over the past year, and she and Sayori had talked amongst themselves about how cute of a couple they would be. And goodness, they were absolutely adorable together. Her two friends finally getting together was part of the push that Monika needed to finally decide to ask Sayori out.

Oh, and she and Sayori had been right. The two of them were absolutely  _adorable_. 

“I’m just teasing you, lighten up,” Monika said lightly, laughing as Natsuki grumbled. Monika thought that she saw the hint of a smile on her face…probably thinking about Yuri once again.

Dropping the subject, Natsuki led her into the kitchen, where Yuri, wearing a cooking apron of her own, was washing her hands at the sink. She smiled warmly at Monika as she walked in. “Hello, Monika,” she said, looking around at them slightly as if she was expecting another girl to be with them. “Is Sayori not with you?”

Monika frowned, furrowing her brow. They had all agreed to meet at 10:00; even Monika had been a little late. “She’s not already here?” she asked, slightly confused. Yuri shook her head. Monika bit her lip. That was…mildly worrying. Although she supposed it was nothing out of the usual. Sayori _did_ have a tendency to oversleep, after all. The silly little sleepyhead!

“Should I try calling her? Maybe she forgot…” Yuri said. Monika waved off the suggestion, though.

“No, no, that’s alright…she’s probably just running a little late. I’ll text her,” she said, smiling at the slender girl as she sat down on one of the chairs in Yuri’s kitchen, pulling out her phone.

_Heyyy are you awake? We are supposed to meet at Yuri’s house for the festival!_

She figured that that would be a gentle enough reminder. If she was fortunate, she would get a text from Sayori within seconds reading something like “ _Sorry!!!! Overslept >_< :P no worries tho, im coming!!_” Monika just hoped that the text would wake Sayori up, if she was asleep.

“Yuri…why were you washing your hands?” Natsuki said, making Monika pocket her phone back into her jacket and look back up at the two girls. Natsuki had her hands on her hips accusatorily as Yuri looked at her with a startled expression on her face.

“Erm, well, we were about to put the decorations on the cupcakes, weren’t we?” she said, regaining some of her calmness. “I shouldn’t be doing that with dirty hands.”

“Uh-huh…” Natsuki said in a drawn-out tone. “But you washed your hands already before we started.”

“Natsuki, one’s hands can never be too clean,” Yuri stated matter-of-factly. “Honestly, the fact that a cook such as yourself is so opposed to basic cleanliness is baffling to me.”

Natsuki squinted her eyes at the taller girl. “Sooo…would you mind explaining to me why one of the cupcakes in the muffin pan is missing? ‘Cuz I remember there being _twelve_ cupcakes, not eleven.” Monika grinned. Getting up from her seat, she leaned across from them by the wall. This was going to be fun.

Yuri seemed to nervously glance across the kitchen, laughing nervously. “What? No, I would never…well, alright, perhaps I did have one,” she admitted quickly after Natsuki gave her an incredulous glare, looking ashamed with herself. “B-but I only did so because I knew I might not get a chance to later! The people at the festival will obviously take some, not to mention Sayori will take at least three, and that’s assuming she’s already had breakfast—”

“Okay, okay, you made your point!” Natsuki snapped at her, crossing her arms with a pout. Monika sighed. Maybe this wouldn’t escalate into an overwhelmingly cute fight like she had been hoping. “Well, how was it? You need to tell me that, at least.”

Yuri smiled, relaxing a bit. “It was positively delicious, as always. Were you expecting any differently?”

“No. Of course they were great, I made them,” Natsuki said proudly as she smirked. She glanced over at the bowl lying next to the muffin tray, which, as Monika looked at it, contained tasty-looking pink icing with a stirring spoon. “And the icing? Did you like that too?”

“Ah, well, I didn’t actually add any of the icing onto it so I don’t—”

“WHAT.”

Monika grinned to herself. Oh, so this _was_ happening.

Yuri blinked curiously at Natsuki as she sighed exasperatedly. “Yuri, you can’t just have a cupcake without the icing, dummy! That’s the best part of the cupcake! Without it, you might as well just be eating a muffin!”

Yuri, becoming shy again, nervously twiddled her long hair in between her fingers. “O-oh…well, I disagree…” she said slowly. Oh ho ho, delightfully bold, Yuri! Monika thought to herself. “You see, I feel as if the cake itself has more than enough sugar to leave me fully satisfied…adding the icing is a tad too sweet for my taste, I’m afraid. It has too much sugar.”

“YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS!” Natsuki yelled, startling Yuri and Monika, who was still watching them fight from the sidelines. “You can NEVER have too much sugar!”

“Th-that’s simply not true!” Yuri said, turning to Monika desperately. “Please, Monika, help me out here.”

Monika grinned, feigning indifference as she shrugged. “Gee, Yuri, I don’t know…I don’t want to get involved in this sort of debate…”

Yuri looked like she was about to respond, but suddenly, out of nowhere, something was covering her mouth. It took Monika a moment to register what had just happened, but from the looks of it, Natsuki had taken advantage of a distracted Yuri in order to take a large spoonful of the pink icing and stuff it into the taller girl’s mouth. It didn’t work out exactly as planned, however, and the majority of the icing was smeared all across her lips and around her mouth. Yuri’s eyes widened as she was quite literally frozen in shock, Natsuki grinned smugly at her, and Monika laughed hysterically at the two of them.

“N-N-Natsuki!!!” Yuri finally managed to say, sputtering through the frosting covering her mouth.

“That’s for knocking my cooking! And also so that the icing I would have used for that cupcake doesn’t go to waste!” she said with a smile, obviously satisfied with herself.

“B-but I’m just going to wash this off! There’s no way I can eat all of this!” Yuri insisted, a small bead of sweat rolled down her cheek. Suddenly, however, as if a light switch had activated inside her, her demeanor changed to a calmer, more suave version of herself as she said, “although, Natsuki, since you have that sweet tooth of yours, you could do me the favor and lick it off for m—” Suddenly, as if realizing that Monika was still there, she turned beat red once again and the suave demeanor instantly faded. Natsuki, who had leaned in a little closer as well, seemed to have the same realization as well, and both girls turned awkwardly towards Monika…who was stealthily taking a picture of them with her phone.

“MONIKA!!!” Natsuki cried, yelling at her in anger as Yuri gasped. Monika felt a little bad, but she couldn’t help it: the two of them were far too adorable. And it wasn’t like the picture was for an entirely selfish cause.

“I’m sorry, it’s for Sayori!” Monika said in her defense. She figured that if one thing was going to be able to wake that sleepy girl up, it would be a cute picture of her most favorite couple in the whole wide world.

“THAT DOESN’T MAKE IT BETTER!” Natsuki yelled back. Both her and Yuri were still blushing a deep scarlet, although Yuri was hiding her icing-covered face from the other two girls.

“U-umm…I’m just going to go w-wash this off…” she said, embarrassed and flustered as she quickly ran off towards the bathroom.

“H-hey, wait up!” Natsuki called after her, abruptly following her there as Monika grinned to herself. Oh, she could definitely imagine that Natsuki would be useful in helping clean up the icing on Yuri’s face. Looking at her phone, the picture she had taken of the couple, in which Natsuki was in the middle of spreading icing over Yuri’s face and forcing it into her mouth, was actually quite lovely; she knew Sayori would love it.

_Can you believe these two? I can barely handle them, ahaha~ Come quickly, okay? :)_

Sent. Sayori still hadn’t read her first text, which Monika found to be a little bit troubling. Sayori usually fell asleep with her phone fairly nearby, so she should have been woken up by the text notification…

It was probably nothing. This text would probably wake her up. And if she didn’t respond soon, then she would try calling her. Maybe her phone was just on silent, or she was just a particularly heavy sleeper this morning. Monika was probably just more worried than usual because she was going to be asking her out later, and the nerves were finally getting to her.

As the two girls came back to the kitchen, they were both stealing glances at each other as Natsuki went over to the batch of cupcakes. “Okay, I’m going to put the icing on these and then we can go…” she said, not looking at Monika. Yuri’s face was noticeably icing-free.

Monika grinned. “So, Yuri…did Natsuki help you get off that icing, or—”

“Grrrr, shut UP, Monika!!” Natsuki snapped, still not looking at either of them as Yuri hid her face in her long, purple hair. Monika giggled, although she supposed that maybe she was being a little overbearing. Maybe now could be a good time where she could at least hint at what she had planned for later today.

“I’m sorry, I don’t blame you, honestly…” Monika said, shrugging as she sat down again. “I mean, if _I_ had a girlfriend, I would probably be even more obnoxiously cute than you two are.”

Natsuki froze as she was halfway through spreading the icing on one of the cupcakes as Yuri turned quickly towards her. “Monika, are you trying to imply something?” Yuri asked, her attention suddenly all on her. “As in…you are vying to be in a relationship of your own?”

Monika grinned to herself, but said nothing, simply shrugging as Natsuki’s eyes widened. “She is! I know that look anywhere!” Natsuki insisted, and then a grin spread across her own face. “Oh my fucking God, it’s Sayori, isn’t it?”

Monika whipped her head up in surprise to look at the pink-haired girl. She definitely was not expecting them to guess her love interest so quickly. “I…was I really that obvious?” she asked bashfully, her cheeks heating up considerably. She had thought that she had hid her attraction so well!

Natsuki laughed in sadistic glee, probably happy that she had finally gotten the upper hand on her. “Of COURSE it was obvious! You two are the most obvious non-couple ever!” she said, still laughing to herself. Even Yuri was grinning smugly from ear-to-ear. _Yuri_ , of all people.

“I suppose it is a rule that most people who are infatuated with one another are generally oblivious to the sexual tension that emanates from them, even though the effects of this tension are very transparent to everyone else around them,” Yuri said. Monika thought that was funny, because that was exactly how she and Sayori had felt in the months leading up to Yuri and Natsuki starting to date. Although, she honed in on a particular detail that Yuri said.

“Hold on…you think that Sayori is infatuated with me?” Monika asked, and Natsuki sighed dramatically in frustration as she went back to her cupcakes.

“No shit, dummy! She’s been madly in love with you ever since we started this Club, anyone could see that!” Natsuki said, laughing to herself. “Heh, I can see it now… _Monika and Sayori, sitting in a tree…_ ” she sang playfully. Monika rolled her eyes.

“But did she tell you anything? Do you know it for a fact?” Monika pressed, looking at both girls. Yuri sealed her lips as Natsuki stopped her song midway.

“Well, _no_ , but come on, it’s obvious!” Natsuki insisted, spreading the icing across the final cupcake. “You’re going to ask her out, right? Now that you’ve told us, you have to!”

Monika laughed. “Calm down, Natsuki, I was planning on doing it. Today, in fact,” she said, and instantly she saw both girls’ faces light up. “ _But_ , that means that you two have to remain quiet about it. Don’t drop any hints for her, I want it to be a surprise.”

“Noted!” Yuri nodded quickly as Natsuki mimed zipping her lips shut. “Where is she, anyway? Were you able to get in contact with her?”

Monika pulled out her phone to find out exactly that. She was hoping that by now she would have a text from Sayori in response to the picture she had sent her of Natsuki and Yuri that was something along the lines of “ _OMGASDHFIKJFFFFF IM DYINGG THEy ARE TOO PRECiOUS!1! OMW <333_” or something else similarly incomprehensible but adorable at the same time.

Sayori had not responded.

This only worried Monika even more. She glanced up from her phone at Yuri, who now had a worried expression on her face. “She’s probably still asleep, haha…you know how much of a late sleeper she is,” Monika said, laughing nervously. “I’ll try calling her.” Yuri nodded as Monika called Sayori, putting the phone up to her ear.

After the first ring, however, it immediately went to Sayori’s cheery voicemail message. “Haaai, this is Sayori! I can’t come to the phone right now, probably because I’m eating or asleep! Leave a message or try again later, okay? BAIII!” Monika paused as she heard the loud beeping sound, debating on whether she should leave a message and eventually just hanging up. Something about this, all of this, was…off. Even if the texts hadn’t been enough to wake her up, the call certainly would have. And seeing as how the phone didn’t ring all the way…

…did that mean Sayori had intentionally declined her call?

“Monika? Is everything okay?” she heard Yuri say. Maybe it meant nothing. Maybe everything was okay. Sayori didn’t like to be disturbed while she was eating, so maybe it was just that. But…surely, she could at least text…so why would she…

“Hey, do you think you guys can manage carrying the cupcakes and decorations on your own to the festival?” Monika asked, trying her best to make her worries non-visible. Judging from Yuri and Natsuki’s expression, however, she wasn’t really doing that great of a job. “Everything’s fine! I’m just going to go check on Sayori. You guys can head over to the festival when you’re ready and set everything up.”

Natsuki frowned. “Are you sure? I’d hate to leave you both hanging…” she said.

“Oh, no, not at all! I just want to make sure she hasn’t overslept. We’ll just be a little late,” Monika insisted, trying to give them both a reassuring smile. “I’ll see you two soon! Don’t do anything naughty while I’m gone!”

Natsuki groaned. “Yeah, whatever. See you,” she grumbled, turning away. Yuri still had a worried frown on her face. So maybe Monika wasn’t too crazy for being a little worried…still though, it was probably nothing. But she better check up on her anyway.

Monika left Yuri’s home and began walking over to Sayori’s small little home, which wasn’t too far away. Like the rest of them, outside of Natsuki (who, at this point, was practically living with Yuri), Sayori lived on her own. She hoped that she wouldn’t be intruding on her privacy by coming to her house uninvited…but, if she was going to (hopefully) be her future girlfriend, maybe it wouldn’t be so weird? Monika still couldn’t shake away the uncomfortable pit in her stomach from all of this, however.

Walking up to her friend’s house, she knocked on the door and gently tried to open it. It was unlocked, something that also startled Monika. “Sayori? Are you up?” Monika called out into the house, closing the door behind herself. There was no response. “It’s just me, Monika.” Still no response.

Maybe she just forgot that they were supposed to meet at Yuri’s house, and she was already at school…no, that didn’t make any sense. Her front door was unlocked, surely she would have locked it before leaving? Maybe she just forgot…no. She was here, she could somehow _feel_ it. Monika slowly walked through the house until arriving at Sayori’s bedroom door. It was closed. She took a deep breath. Why was she feeling so nervous? Sayori was probably just still asleep in bed, and Monika was just going to wake her up.

She gently opened the door.

“Sayo—”

Monika froze, and it took her a few seconds to fully register what was happening. Sayori was there, but she wasn’t in bed. Sayori, tears streaking down her face and a faraway look in her bloodshot eyes, was standing up on a chair _with a noose in her hands_.

No. No, no, no, no, no. This wasn’t how her day was supposed to go at all. This was supposed to be a good day. She had planned everything to go well.

And yet, here Monika was, in the bedroom of a girl who was about to hang herself.

Sayori, as if breaking out of a trance, gasped as she saw Monika, and the tears rolling down her cheeks became more rapid as her body shook. “M-Monika…” she whispered, her voice weak and hoarse and her grip around the rope tightening. Thankfully, it still wasn’t tied to anything, but it looked like she about to tie it to the ceiling fan. Sayori’s eyes were worried and tired – it looked like she hadn’t slept at all last night. She must have not heard her come in…she was too focused on the act that she didn’t notice her until it was almost too late. If Monika hadn’t come, would she have really…

“Sayori…” Monika breathed in, trying to control herself. She wanted to cry, to scream, to desperately plead with her to rewind the clock an hour or so and just have her show up at Yuri’s house and everything would be happy, why did she even think to do this, why, why, _why_ …but she tried to control herself. If she freaked out now, things might end very badly. Monika gulped.

“Sayori, please…please come down from there…” Monika said quietly, trying to manage her shaking voice. Sayori didn’t move, still trembling on the chair. “Sayori, I need you to drop that rope and come down, now,” Monika repeated, this time a little more firmly. Maybe too firm. “…please?” she whispered, looking up at her. Something in Sayori's expression changed, although it was hard to tell exactly what it was. Slowly, she nodded. She let go of the noose and it fell to the floor. She bent down, placing one shaking leg off the chair followed by another.

As soon as she had both feet on the ground, Monika couldn’t help herself. She rushed over to the girl and hugged her tightly, holding as much of the smaller girl’s body as she possibly could. Sayori broke down. Her crying, which at first had been silent, became ugly as her whole body tremored, wracked with sobs as she returned the hug tightly around Monika. Sayori collapsed into her, and Monika had to practically carry her over to her bed as the two of them sat down, arms still wrapped tightly around one another. Despite trying to remain strong, for her, Monika couldn’t help the silent tears that rolled down her face.

“Moni, I-I’m so, so s-s-sorry…” Sayori whimpered, pressing her face into her shoulder as Monika stroked her hair. “I thought I would be…you weren’t supposed to…” she tried to say, although she was interrupted by her own sobbing. Monika was looking her over and was relieved to see that she wasn’t hurt in any way physically…mentally, of course, was another story.

“Shhh, it’s okay…it’s okay,” Monika said quietly, trying to convince herself more than anyone. Nothing about this was okay…but she felt the urgent need to comfort her in any way that she could. “You’re safe now, I’ve got you. And I’m never, ever letting go of you again, ever…I promise,” she said in a voice strained with tears, trying to sniff them away. “Let’s just lie down and get some rest, okay sweetheart?” Sayori nodded into her, and Monika took that as permission to lie her down on the bed as she repositioned herself to hug her on her side.

Monika breathed a sigh of relief as she felt Sayori’s stiff body relax around her, her breathing leveling out. They were both still crying gently, although for Monika it was hard for her to decipher the origin of her own tears. Were they tears of shock? Relief? Horror? Sadness? Her crying probably would have been much, much uglier if she had arrived mere minutes later…yes, as the shock wore off, everything began to sink in for Monika. If she had arrived any later, Sayori have killed herself. She would be dead.

That dreadful thought made Monika only hug the precious girl tighter, holding her as Sayori drifted off to sleep in her arms. She didn’t understand why Sayori would even attempt to do such a thing. But she resolved right then and there to figure it out, with her. She was going to find out whatever was making her this sad and fix it. She would make her happy again, make her want to live again, even if it meant that she wouldn’t have a wink of sleep for the rest of her life. Anything to see Sayori smile again. Anything to stop those tears.

One matter was for certain: things between Sayori and herself were about to change for the rest of their lives.


	2. The Immediate Aftermath

After a fit of restless sleep, Sayori groggily awoke to feel something very warm and soft pressed against her. As she slowly blinked her eyes open, she nearly had to do a double take to make sure that it was, in fact, Monika who was in bed with her, her arms wrapped tightly around her body. Sayori needed a moment to realize that the girl wrapped around her was, in fact, real, and not some cruel dream her mind had made up just to mess with her. Once she woke up enough to realize that this wasn’t a dream, Sayori smiled to herself with glee…

…until she remembered why Monika was lying in bed with her in the first place. And that’s when Sayori realized that she would have preferred it if she were part of a dream.

Sayori hadn’t slept the entire night prior, completely alone with her thoughts. Earlier in the day she had helped Monika with some of the festival preparations, but she had known the minute she had woken up on Sunday that something was wrong with herself. Sayori was used to faking smiles, but yesterday it was much harder for her to do. Monika was enthusiastically laying out what they had planned for the festival on Monday, as if it were the greatest thing in the world, and Sayori just felt…worthless. She couldn’t contribute in any substantial way: Yuri was making the decorations, Natsuki was cooking cupcakes, Monika, of course, was the leader of the group…where did that leave her?

Probably just stuffing her mouth with Natsuki’s cupcakes. Because that’s all she was at the end of the day: someone who mooched off of other people’s hard work and creativity. She could never find her own voice with her poetry. She never found the energy to do well in her classes, no matter how much Monika and the others tried to help her. She was always stealing Natsuki’s homemade treats, despite the pink-haired girl constantly telling her to stop. Sayori cared deeply for her friends…but in her mind, that was where it ended. She never did anything to make them care for her back. They didn’t care for her, and if they did, she wasn’t worthy of their friendship. She wasn’t worthy of their love…especially not Monika’s.

_You are worthless._

_You don’t deserve your friends._

_You will never find happiness._

_Monika will never love you back._

Sayori grimaced as the memories of the rainclouds from this morning came back to her. That’s what she called the endless cycle of negativity and depression that clouded her thoughts, blocking out any sunlight in her life and making everything miserable. They told her that she couldn’t do anything right. They told her that nobody loved her. They told her that nobody would care if she died.

Over the past twenty-four hours, the rainclouds had gotten progressively darker, obscuring everything positive in her life…and then, this morning, something in her snapped. She just couldn’t take it anymore.

And then, Monika happened.

“Hey…” Sayori tilted her head up to see Monika awake, looking down at her with a tender look in her eyes. Although she could see the obvious creases of worry in her facial features. Her eyes were red, probably almost as red as Sayori imagined her eyes were by now. She felt a pang of guilt for Monika even being here. “Did you get any sleep?” she asked her.

Sayori nodded. She wasn’t sure how much sleep she actually got, and it wasn’t exactly the best sleep of her life (despite Monika being there, which should have been a good thing in any other situation), but she did sleep. She yawned. “What time is it?” she asked Monika.

“It’s almost noon…” Monika said, checking her phone. Her face fell as she seemed to remember something. “Sayo, I need to call Yuri…” she said, slowly untangling herself from her body as she sat up. Oh yeah, that’s right. The festival. That was a thing that was supposed to be happening right now…and Sayori was selfishly tearing Monika away from it. It was supposed to be one of the most important days for the Club, and she had ruined it for everyone. This was their last festival, too! They were all seniors, and they would all be graduating that year. Yuri was probably wondering where Monika was, and Monika would have to tell her that she was busy watching Sayori because she was about to…

“Sayori?”

Sayori looked up at Monika at the sound of her voice. Monika had a very worried expression on her face. “Did you hear what I was saying?”

It must have been obvious that she hadn’t been paying attention. Slowly, Sayori shook her head. Monika sighed.

“It’s okay…I was just saying that I’m going to call Yuri. I won’t tell her anything about…erm, what happened, if you don’t want me to yet,” Monika said, looking at her for confirmation. Slowly, Sayori nodded again. Monika smiled at her again, although Sayori could tell that it was forced. She looked stressed. “Okay. Just stay here and rest, okay? I’m not going anywhere, I’ll just be out in the hall,” she insisted as she put a hand to Sayori’s head, gently stroking her hair for a few seconds before she got up and left the room, gently closing the door behind her.

Sayori sighed, stuffing her face in her pillow. She felt like crying again. She hated that Monika was now worried about her. She had done such a good job of hiding her depression from her and her friends, she had thought that no one would notice. Now she knew. She never wanted to be a burden to anyone. Especially not Monika.

But that’s all she was now. A burden. She would be better off if Monika had just gone to the festival and forgotten about her.

_You didn’t deserve her kindness._

Slowly, Sayori sat up in her bed, placing one foot in front of the other as she walked into the middle of her room. Monika must have put the noose away, because she couldn’t find it. The chair she had been standing on had been moved to the side. It was almost as if she hadn’t done anything at all…

Sayori turned her head up to look at the ceiling fan. Last night she had stood up on her chair and reached up to move it around. It was definitely sturdy enough to hold her. If Monika hadn’t come in, she would just be another one of the blades whirring around on the fan…just an accessory…lifeless and inanimate…

She suddenly felt it hard to breathe. As if the spiritual noose around her neck had never left and had finally remembered that it was supposed to be strangling her. The walls of her quiet room turned sinister, closing in all around her, trapping her in like a coffin. Grabbing onto the wall, she knelt down and tried to steady her breathing, but it only grew faster and sharper.

_It’s better this way. It’s better if you just die._

No…that’s not true…

_Do you think Monika really cares for you? She doesn’t. She just pities you. That’s why she’s stayed this long at all. She will probably leave soon, and then will never want to see you again. You’ll be alone._

Stop. Get out.

_You’ll finally be alone…alone to finish what you started…_

“Get out…of my head…” Sayori whined quietly, her head in her hands as she began sobbing again. “Get out of my head.”

_Monika’s not here for you this time…you’re all alone…she will never love you back…_

“Get out of my head!” Sayori cried out, pulling at her hair. “Get out of my head! Get out of my head! Get out of my—” Sayori broke off her ramblings with a scream. She screamed in frustration, fear, sorrow, despair. Tears were streaming down her face. None of this was out of the ordinary. This place held so many memories for her, a couple good, but mostly bad, of her crying and crying and crying until she had no tears left to waste. Although this time was even worse. She felt as if everything in her room wanted her dead. The image of Monika’s horrified face in the doorway was still frozen in her mind. And the worst part was…she still wanted to die…the rainclouds were right…she was better off dead…

“Sayori!”

Sayori lifted her head up, her eyes fixating on Monika who had knelt down in front of her. She must have been so absorbed in her own abusive thoughts that she hadn’t noticed her reenter the room…just like she hadn’t immediately noticed her the first time she had seen her on the chair. Just like last time, Sayori wasn’t sure how long she had been there. Monika reached out to her, grabbing her hand. Sayori let out a shaky breath, grateful that she wasn’t alone with her thoughts anymore, but also guilty that she had to make Monika worry yet again.

“I’m sorry…” Sayori said guiltily, sniffling as she tried to avoid Monika’s eyes. Monika, however, moved her face with her hands so she was looking directly at her and began wiping some of her tears away.

“It’s okay,” Monika said gently, smiling at her before frowning. “Well, I mean, no, it’s _not_ okay, but you don’t have to apologize to me.” She sighed, trying to smile towards her again. “Are you…I was going to ask you if you were okay just now, but I’m guessing you’re not.”

Sayori sighed, trying her best to smile but failing. She just couldn’t pull it off. She nodded, accepting that Monika knew she was messed up now even if she didn’t know the particulars.

Monika pursed her lips. Sayori knew that she had a question on her mind, probably multiple questions. But there wasn’t exactly an easy question that she could ask right now. “Sayori, I…I need you to be honest with me. And yourself. I understand if you don’t want to talk about everything right now…we can talk about it later if you want,” Monika said, and Sayori nodded thankfully. She didn’t have much energy to talk right now, anyway.

“Okay…that’s okay,” Monika assured her. She seemed to be planning out what she was going to say next. The long-haired girl took in a deep breath. “Sayori, I won’t force you to, but…do you need to go to a hospital?” she asked her, and Sayori’s eyes widened in fear. Oh, no. Monika thought she was mentally ill.

_Well, you did try to kill yourself…_

“I-I don’t want to…” Sayori said quietly and honestly. Monika smiled in understanding, sitting down across from her.

“Alright…I’ll agree, but only under two conditions,” Monika said carefully, maintaining eye contact with her. “First and foremost, if you try to take your life again…” Monika froze for a split second, almost as if the phrase had physically hurt her. It hurt Sayori to hear her say it, too. “…then I get you committed. No ifs, no buts. I’m not going to risk losing you.”

Sayori sighed but nodded. “I-I understand…” she said. Although she was a little confused. If she would try to kill herself again, then she would likely do it when she knew Monika would be away and not looking for her. And she would succeed.

Monika continued. “Second, I’m staying with you from now on,” she said, and Sayori’s eyes widened. She was about to say something, but Monika, likely noticing that she was about to interrupt, cut her off. “Sayori, I can’t have you living alone after this. It at least has to be a temporary thing, until you’re all better. I know you’re not on great terms with your parents, and I don’t know if you have any other relatives, so that just leaves me. Unless you’d prefer to live in a perpetually lavender-scented home with Yuri,” she said, half-joking as she smiled a little bit. Even Sayori had to admit that the image was a little funny, smiling slightly.

“No, out of everyone, I’d want to pick you to, ah, watch over me. But…” Sayori said, her small smile faltering. She looked away from Monika again. She figured that if Monika was trying to make an effort to accommodate for her, then Sayori might try to make an effort to be honest with her. “I don’t want you to feel… _forced_ into watching over me. I don’t want to be a burden that you have to look after.”

Monika shook her head quickly. “No, no, Sayori…I don’t see it like that at all. You’re _not_ a burden,” she said, lifting Sayori’s chin up to look back at her. Sayori noticed that Monika was being extra touchy with her…not that she was complaining. It made her feel quite a bit better, actually. “I _want_ to help you. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be. And I know I can be a bit of a handful at times, but I don’t want you to see it as a punishment either…just, think of it as an extended sleepover!” Monika said with a grin as Sayori looked at her, and she could tell that the smile was genuine, if a little sad. But there was some beauty to that sadness.

Sayori knew that she didn’t really have much of a choice in the matter, and regardless, seeing Monika smile again after being so serious made her a little happier. “Ehehe, well, when you put it like that, then I accept,” she said, smiling at her as she saw Monika’s grin widen.

“Yay! That’s my girl!” Monika said as she reached over to hug her again, causing Sayori to both laugh and blush deeply. Maybe…maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. Like Monika said, it would be just like an extended sleepover. Sayori even felt a little excited! She had the prettiest and nicest girl all to herself…

…for as long as Monika would put up with her. Which, given her messiness and her depression which Monika only just found out about, probably wouldn’t be long. Monika wasn’t the handful; it was Sayori who was the nutcase. That reminded her of the only reason this was happening in the first place: because Monika didn’t trust her on her own. Because she was suicidal.

“Sayori?” Monika asked, snapping her out of her loop of negativity at least temporarily. Both of their arms were still around each other as Sayori rested her chin on Monika’s shoulder. “There’s still one thing we need to go over…whether you want me to stay here with you at your house, or if you want to stay at my place…I’ll let you choose.”

Sayori considered the decision, although it was a fairly obvious one. Looking around at her messy room, she didn’t exactly have fond memories of this house. It was the place where her depression had festered and gradually built up, the place where she had stayed up all night crying because of the rainclouds, hating herself, her life, and everything about herself. And it was also the room where she had almost ended it all…and at the thought of that, she realized that she couldn’t stay here anymore. She didn’t want to burden Monika with having to force to accommodate someone new in her small apartment…but at the same time, she figured that she would be just as inconvenienced if she was forced to move into Sayori’s home.

“C-can I stay with you?” Sayori asked, pulling away slightly from Monika to look at her. “If I stay here, I’ll only be reminded of everything…” she admitted, not elaborating. She wasn’t sure she needed to. “And, also, I only have one bed, and I don’t want to make you sleep on the couch,” she added quickly, hoping to defuse some of the tension. Monika smiled, nodding.

“Of course…although, I also only have one bed, so I was always destined to be on couch duty!” Monika said, laughing lightly.

“Wait, what do you mea…” Sayori started to say, but her eyes widened as she realized what she had just implied. “Monika!! I’m not letting you give up your own bed!” she wailed, looking at her indignantly. The thought that Monika would even consider sleeping on her own couch instead of the bed, just for her, made Sayori feel very guilty.

“Nope. Too bad. You’re getting the bed,” Monika said, grinning at her as Sayori mock-glared right back. “It’s kind of nonnegotiable. I only supply my guests with the best, and a couch wouldn’t cut it for you.”

“But…but…no! You can’t, I won’t let you!” Sayori insisted, remaining playfully resistant as she crossed her arms. She found it somewhat funny that their biggest disagreement after such a traumatic event was over who would sleep on the couch and who would sleep on the bed. She squinted back at the girl who sat across from her. “I swear to God, Monika, if I have to sleep on top of you on that stupid couch just to get you into that bed, I will!”

Monika quirked an eyebrow, smirking. “Well, if you really want to sleep with me that badly, then maybe we can just share the bed?” she suggested, although as soon as the words came out of her mouth her smirk faded and was replaced by a blush that Sayori quickly mirrored. “I, erm…sorry about that. Just slipped out,” Monika said, glancing down at her lap. Sayori’s eyes widened. Was Monika, the queen of composure, _embarrassed_? After suggesting to share a bed with her? And the more she thought about it, the more that jokey suggestion actually sounded perfect…

“Don’t worry about it, eheh,” Sayori said, giggling quietly. “And, I mean, if you’re okay with that, then I’d be okay with it, too.”

Monika looked startled as she tried to respond quickly. “Oh, no, it wouldn’t bother me at all, aha…I was more worried that it would bother you. But, if that’s the case, then…” she blushed. Monika _blushed_. Sayori could barely believe her eyes. Sayori had gotten Monika flustered. “…why don’t I help you gather some of your things so we can leave?” Monika suggested, abruptly changing the topic. Sayori smiled, nodding.

With Monika’s help, she had gathered a bunch of clothes that were scattered across her messy room into a duffel bag, adding in her toothbrush and Mr. Cow, of course. Sayori carried her bookbag, filled with all of her school supplies as well as her notebook for writing poetry for the Literature Club, while Monika generously carried the duffel bag. That was really nice of her to do. Everything that she did for her was so nice.

_And how do you repay her? You try to kill yourself._

Sayori gulped as she walked along the sidewalk next to Monika in silence. She was barely allowed to have any happy thoughts without the rainclouds coming back in and snuffing out the light. At the end of the day, it was still a reminder that she was still shrouded in darkness.

“Aaand here we are!” Monika said semi-cheerfully as they approached the apartment complex. Sayori had only been to Monika’s place a few times. It was fairly average-sized as apartments came, although it was much smaller than her own home: one floor, a main living room with a television, a kitchen and dining room, a bedroom, two bathrooms, and that was about it. It always had a strangely homely feel to it, despite her barely being in it. Monika fiddled with the key to the building for a moment before opening the door and fiddled with the keys again at her own door. Monika seemed to release a lot of built in tension as she walked into the apartment…almost as if she was worried that Sayori was going to run off into traffic sometime during their little walk. She didn’t blame her, if she was honest with herself.

“Make yourself at home!” Monika called out to her, plopping the bag down in the hallway. She turned to look back at her with a smile, although Sayori could tell that there was a bit of tension behind that smile. Monika walked over to the kitchen. “Do you want some tea? I never had any this morning, I figured I would get some from Yuri at the festival but, um…” she faltered, pausing for a moment before regaining her composure. “I never had the tea. So, I’m making some now!”

She was dancing around the topic, which was somehow worse for Sayori than directly talking about it. And she hated seeing Monika having to pretend to be happy for her sake. It made her feel even more guilty…if that was even possible. She didn’t deserve it.

“Moni…” Sayori said, sighing as she walked into the kitchen and stood across from her. Monika must have noticed something about the serious tone of her voice, because she stiffened up almost immediately as she kept her back towards the stove. “I…” she gulped. “I’m sorry for making you go through this. This isn’t fair to you,” she said quietly. “I know you’re trying to be strong for me, but you don’t have to.”

Monika sighed, her shoulders deflating as she hunched over. There was a long silence between them, neither of them knowing what they should say. After a while, Monika broke the tense air between them. “Sayori…can we just…” she paused, causing Sayori to look at her in concern as Monika turned back to her with sad eyes that nearly tore apart her soul. “Can we just sit down and talk about this?”

Sayori’s stomach plummeted. This was the moment she had been dreading ever since Monika had found her. But she knew that she had to give Monika at least _some_ sort of explanation. Trembling, Sayori nodded.

_She’ll hate you once she knows the truth about you._

Monika took her hand, calming her shaking slightly as she led her out of the kitchen towards the couch. She must have easily been able to tell that she was scared about all of this, because she never let go of her hand. Sayori let out a shaky breath as she tried her best to maintain eye contact with Monika.

“I think…it would be good to get out what we’re both feeling,” Monika said slowly, regarding Sayori carefully. She nodded in consent. Monika squeezed her hand, giving her a forced smile. “Okay…I can go first,” she said, using her other hand to move her hair out of her eyes. She looked at Sayori. “I feel upset. I’m really sad, and worried, and scared…and a little angry. Not at you, but at whatever made you try to do that,” she added quickly. “I’m just…I guess what I’m trying to say is that I care about you so, so much, and I don’t want to lose you, ever. The fact that I almost _did_ lose you, it’s…I don’t know what’s going on, but I want to help you.”

“Moni, it’s fine, I don’t need your—”

“No, I think you do. And you’re going to get my help, whether you like it or not,” Monika replied curtly, catching Sayori off guard. Monika sighed, looking at her apologetically. “I’m sorry, I’m just…stressed, I guess.” Sayori only felt guiltier, because not only did she know that _she_ was the cause of that stress, but Monika really shouldn’t be apologizing to her. It should really be the other way around.

There was a beat of silence between them, and Sayori realized that Monika was done talking. It was her turn to talk about how she felt. She knew that she should tell her the truth. She feared her reaction, but at this point her happy mask had been off for too long that Monika would probably be able tell if she was lying. So, the truth, then.

“I feel…sad,” Sayori said eventually, and Monika focused more on her as she began to talk. “And guilty. Really guilty. I’m sorry that I made you feel upset, and sad, and I’m sorry that you have to worry about me right now, and I’m sorry that I’m a burden, and I’m sorry that you had to see me when I was about to—”

“Sayo, please,” Monika said, squeezing her hands. “You’re not a burden! Nothing could ever make you a burden. I’ll repeat it as many times as I need to until you’re convinced.”

Sayori sighed. “If that’s what you think…I guess I should correct myself. I _feel_ like a burden. And it isn’t just because of this. I’ve felt like a burden, to everyone, my entire life. And sometimes, it doesn’t matter what other people say…I just feel that way…” she stopped, her mouth feeling very dry all of a sudden. “I feel…afraid, because I feel like the more that I tell you about this, the more likely you’ll never want to see me again.”

Monika looked like she wanted to jump in and say that no, she wouldn’t, but Sayori knew that if she let her say that then they would just talk in circles around each other. “Just…let me finish,” Sayori said, interrupting her. Monika closed her mouth but let her continue. “What I’m saying is, I’m scared that once you realize how messed up I really am, you won’t want to be associated with me at all. I know you’ll say you wouldn’t, but I wouldn’t blame you if you did. You…” Sayori nearly choked on her words as tears threatened to spill across her face again. Monika watched her patiently.

“You don’t know the real me…” Sayori continued in a small, shaky voice. “You only know the part of me that I put out to the rest of the world.”

“But I want to know you! All of you!” Monika insisted, catching some tears in her eyes as well as she looked at Sayori in the eyes. “Whatever you are afraid of, however you think I’ll react, I would never push you away like that!”

Sayori looked at the girl holding her hands with teary eyes. “Moni…you realize that if I tell you anything more, then everything changes. That image you might have had of the happy, carefree, airheaded girl you thought I was won’t exist anymore.”

Monika smiled sadly. “Sayori…I knew that everything would change between us the moment I walked into your room this morning,” she said, stroking her hands comfortingly with her thumbs.

Even though she tried to deny it, Sayori had known this all along too. It was painful. Everything about this was painful. She didn’t want her friends to see her any differently, especially not Monika. To reveal something so personal and private was frightening. But she knew she had to do it. After everything, Monika deserved an explanation. She needed to give her that explanation, even if it hurt. And it would hurt both of them a lot.

Sayori took in another deep, shaky breath. “I think…I should start by talking about the rainclouds.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I got this chapter out MUCH earlier than I had anticipated, so enjoy! I really don't expect future chapters to be as quick in getting up as this one...I was just really inspired to write, even if I had to sacrifice some other things to do so. :P
> 
> This chapter has quite a lot of angst, and the next chapter will as well, but there will also be a good amount of fluff in the second half of Chapter 3! So stay tuned! And also let me know what you thought of this chapter, I love reading your comments! :D 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	3. I Will Love You

“Rainclouds?”

Sayori nodded, a sad smile on her face. “It sounds kind of silly now that I say it out loud, hehe…” she laughed, although Monika could tell there was very little humor to it. “I guess it’s a way I use to describe my depression.”

Depression. That hit Monika like a train. She knew that, after she had seen Sayori in such a fragile state, there had to be _something_ wrong with her. But depression…she had always seemed so carefree and happy. It was very unsettling that such a close friend, the girl she was supposed to be confessing her love for, no less, had depression, and Monika had had no idea. She had remained completely, entirely oblivious to all of it.

Monika gulped. “How…how long have you had those…um, rainclouds?” she asked carefully.

Sayori shrugged. “As long as I can remember. Pretty much all of my life…” she admitted, and Monika felt her heart nearly tear into two. All of her life? Why hadn’t she told her? She had hidden these feelings for so long, as long as Monika had known her apparently and longer…maybe if she had known about her depression beforehand, she could have prevented all of this from ever happening…

Monika felt on the verge of tears, but she held back. She knew that she needed to be strong for Sayori. _Be strong, just be strong…_ she kept on repeating to herself in her head.

“And…can you describe them to me? What are the rainclouds like?” Monika asked, squeezing her hands in encouragement. Sayori paused, thinking to herself for a moment.

“Gee, I’ve never really had to explain it to anyone before…I guess it’s kinda complicated to describe…” she admitted, sighing as she squeezed Monika’s hand back. “Imagine…imagine everything in your life that’s either good or bad as light or darkness. Parts of my life that stress me out, like school, teachers, my parents, that’s all dark. But you, Yuri, Natsuki, the Literature Club…you guys are the happy parts of my life, so you’d be like light coming from the sun,” she said, smiling. Monika smiled back.

“For what it’s worth, Sayo, I would consider you as part of the sunshine in my life,” Monika quipped, although she really did mean that. Sayori blushed, laughing for a brief moment. Even under the most serious of circumstances, Sayori could not resist being cute in Monika’s mind.

Sayori quickly became serious though, her face scrunched up in concentration. “Okay, so imagine that world: you’re outside, and all of the light coming from the sun is everything that’s great and beautiful in your life, and all of the shadows from the trees and buildings are everything that sucks. And then…imagine the rainclouds coming in,” she said in a sad, distant tone. The ominous nature of the simple phrase gave Monika goosebumps. “They cover the entire sky and they block out the sun. You can still see, but everything you see is dark. The sunlight isn’t there anymore, and everything that was already dark only becomes darker.

“And then it begins to rain. It pours down on me. And each droplet is a message from the rainclouds, telling me that the light is gone for good, that it’s not coming back, and that the people in my life that created all of that sunlight before are better off spreading their sunshine somewhere else. I’m not worthy to feel their rays of sun, because I have too many shadows surrounding me. And even if I’m able to feel the light peeking out through the rainclouds every now and then…it’s never enough, because the rain reminds me of how—” Sayori’s voice cracked as she tried to hold back tears. Monika knew that she wasn’t the only one trying to be strong in that moment. “It reminds me of how stupid and messed up I am,” she continued slowly in a teary voice. “I wake up like that, every single morning…some days it’s less intense than others, but it’s always there. It’s why I come to school so late sometimes, or why I don’t put any effort into my schoolwork, because the rainclouds ask me, what’s the point in me trying to do anything at all, if my life is already so screwed up? This week, it got really bad, and that’s why…” her voice broke as she tried to prevent the onslaught of tears again. Monika was having a hard time, too. “Th-that’s why I tried to kill myself.”

Tears were leaking from Sayori’s face and Monika wrapped her arms around the girl protectively, rubbing her arms to try to comfort her. She didn’t know what to do. For once in her life, Monika had no idea what to do. Sure, she had dealt with her fair share of mental issues in the past: her anxieties around needing to do well in school constantly gave her stress. But depression…she had no experience with this. It was completely uncharted territory. And to have it for so long, to experience it every single day…Monika had no idea how to properly help her. But she knew that she had to at least try.

“Sayori…I’m so, so sorry you have to feel like that,” she started to say, making Sayori look at her with tears in her eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me? Did the others know?”

Sayori shook her head. “I-I couldn’t tell you, or Yuri, or Natsuki…I was afraid of losing you. I felt like if I told you, I would just be spreading my darkness onto the only things in my life that make me happy. Once you saw how messed up I was, you’d kick me out of the Club. A-and I know that it could have happened because it’s happened before,” she said quickly, likely noticing that Monika had something to say in regards to her ever abandoning her and interjecting before she could do that.

“A…a year before we met, I tried telling my friend about my depression,” she continued shakily as Monika listened with a troubled expression on her face. “He, uh, didn’t know how to handle it. A-and, more importantly, he didn’t want to handle it. So, he stopped waiting for me to get up to go to school, and basically cut all ties with me. I had known him since preschool, but ever since then he treated me l-like I don’t exist. He still pretends not to recognize me…Moni, you’re hurting me,” she said quietly, wincing.

Monika realized that her grip on Sayori’s arms had tightening instinctively in anger at hearing all of this, and she quickly let go, rubbing the spots on her arms she had accidentally pinched. “Sorry,” she said, mumbling. “I’m just…how could someone do that?” Monika asked, incredibly angry at whoever would have betrayed her dear Sayori’s friendship. She had half a mind not to track this person down and murder him.

Sayori shrugged, sighing. “Honestly? I don’t blame him. He wasn’t alone…my parents gave up on me too. They figured out I was messed up a while ago and avoided the topic like the plague. Eventually they gave me my own place, which should have been nice, y’know? Every teenager wants their own place. But…for me, it was my parents’ way of saying that I-I’m on my own…and now they barely speak to me at all, and when they do it’s just to pay for my rent so they can keep me away…”

Monika wasn’t sure which situation made her angrier: the fact that Sayori’s childhood friend had abandoned her after she told him about her depression, or that her parents forced her out of the house so they wouldn’t have to deal with it themselves. Either way, she understood why she had been so hesitant to share her feelings with everyone else. But Monika was eager to prove that she wouldn’t be like the others…she just wasn’t sure how.

“That’s horrible,” Monika said finally, sighing as she tried to push down her anger. Sayori didn’t need her to be angry right now, even though she still thought it was a coin-toss on whether she would track down her ex-friend and parents and strangle them. “Sayori, I…this doesn’t change _anything_. I’m still here for you. I will always be here for you. I know Natsuki and Yuri are the same, but I will _always_ be here for you. I won’t abandon you like they did.”

Sayori sighed, saying nothing. Despite Monika’s best efforts to look her in the eye, Sayori avoided eye contact. It was almost like she didn’t believe her. Even though Monika was trying her best to convince, in Sayori’s mind, she would just change her mind after spending so much time with her and stop wanting to associate with her. Monika knew she wouldn’t, but Sayori didn’t. Sayori didn’t know that Monika loved her so, so much, and would do anything to protect her and help her through these feelings. She never wanted to leave her side ever again, especially after almost losing her completely. But how would she be able to prove it to her?

That’s when Monika realized that the poem she had intended to read that morning was still in her jacket pocket. The poem that, quite literally, explained exactly how she felt about her friend and asked her if she wanted to go out. Monika now knew what she needed to do.

Letting go of Sayori and scooting away from her slightly, Monika slipped her hand inside her pocket and pulled out the folded-up piece of paper. Sayori looked at her with a furrowed brow. “What’s that?” she asked, confused.

“This,” Monika said, holding up the piece of paper, “is a poem I wrote for the festival this morning. I want you to read it,” she said, handing the poem to Sayori. The short-haired girl gently took it from her, unfolding it and slowly reading it.

Monika was nervous. She was absolutely nervous. This wasn’t exactly how this was supposed to go, mainly because she was supposed to read it out-loud to Sayori. But she didn’t really trust her voice right now to read something so deeply emotional, and now it was also a little too late for her to take it back. She really, really hoped that Sayori would take it well, as she didn’t want her to latch onto any excuse to leave. And that prospect, where she might be able to hurt herself (or worse) again, terrified her. So, in order to try to calm her fears, Monika tried to think back to the scenario she had been playing over and over again in her head for the past week, if her festival preparations had actually gone to plan and she had been able to present her poem to Sayori the way it was intended…

 

* * *

 

_It was the day of the festival. Monika had arrived at Yuri’s house roughly fifteen minutes late, and after Natsuki had opened the door, she had greeted Yuri and Sayori, who had just arrived, ecstatically. Today was going to be a really great day for the Club, after all._

_After some early-morning cuteness from Yuri and Natsuki finishing the cupcake preparations (which Sayori had been eager to document through her phone, shrieking with glee the entire time), the four of them gathered the treats and decorations and made their way over to the school. The purple-haired girl and the pink-haired girl took the lead, bickering at each other the entire way, while Monika was quick to stick by Sayori’s side the entire time. Sayori had a wrapped-up poster in her arms, a smile on her face wide enough to light up the entire world. It was enough to light up Monika’s world, at least._

_As they arrived to the clubroom, they set up everything and the festival began. Various students poked their heads in, maybe tried a cupcake, asked a couple questions about the Club, and then, disinterested, left. This was what Monika had expected. Every time a student would leave, Natsuki would sneer at them behind their backs. “We didn’t want you anyway, fuck off!” she’d mutter, making Yuri chuckle as Sayori reprimanded her. She never liked swearing; she thought that it was mean._

_Of course, once it became clear that no one was really interested in joining, Sayori would grab the cupcake plate and take one. And then two. Then she might try to take a third, but Natsuki would snatch it away from her, warning her that she would get a stomachache if she ate too much…and that she should save some for the rest! Yuri, wanting to make her girlfriend happy, would likely delicately pick apart one, although she would try to avoid the sugary icing. Monika, always glad to try Natsuki’s good cooking, would take one as well._

_“Well, it looks like no one new joined,” Monika would say finally, sighing dramatically._

_“It is unfortunate. I suppose we will be the last generation of the Literature Club at this school,” Yuri would reply thoughtfully. Natsuki would roll her eyes. Secretly, they were all glad to keep their Club to themselves. It provided them with a private, comfortable space that only close friends were apart of. They really only participated in the festival out of tradition’s sake._

_“Who knows, maybe someone will come at the very end! You never know!” Sayori said, beaming. Sayori was always the optimist. Although Monika doubted that she wanted anyone new either. “Anyway, are you guys ready to present our poems? I call dibs on going first!”_

_Monika laughed. This had been the moment she would have been waiting for. “I like that optimism! Go ahead, Sayo,” she said, grinning at her. Sayori gingerly got up from her seat and walked to the front of the classroom, pulling out her poem. She would take a few moments to clear her throat and begin._

(Monika was never good at predicting what Sayori wrote, so this was the one part that her mind could not make up. Needless to say, however, she knew that it would be beautifully written and Sayori would do a tremendous job)

_Next was Yuri, volunteering to go after they had all finished applauding Sayori. As Sayori sat down next to her, Monika would whisper “that was really good” next to her. Sayori would smile shyly at her. If Monika’s fantasies were to be fully realized, she might even blush._

_Yuri would read a poem riddled with ambiguous metaphors and thought-provoking imagery, her shaky voice becoming more confident the more she got into her poem. They would applaud, and Natsuki would try to hide how impressed she was as Yuri sat back down._

_“Well, what is your opinion on my auditory performance?” she would ask them. Sayori would assure her that it was really good and Monika would give her a thumbs-up, but it was really Natsuki’s reaction she was looking for._

_Natsuki pouted. “First of all, learn to use shorter words. Second of all…itwasgoodokay?” she said way too fast, not used to giving compliments._

_“AWWWW!” Sayori would coo. “She_ loved _it! Just like she_ loooves _you!” This, of course, would only make Yuri blush nervously as Natsuki would growl at her, embarrassed._

_“H-hey! Put a pin in it! I said it was only good!” Natsuki said angrily, and then a self-satisfied smirk would form on her face. “Besides, you girls haven’t seen nothing yet. This next poem will blow your socks off!”_

_Natsuki would recite a short, simplistic poem filled with flowery language and a common rhyming scheme, but she would have the charisma of any well-established actress or movie star, confident that her work was the crown jewel of all poetic masterpieces. Naturally, they would all applaud._

_“Well, how’d ya like that?” she would ask once she was finished, sitting down next to Yuri. Yuri would look at her with an amused expression on her face._

_“It was…cute,” Yuri replied, making Natsuki’s eyes widen in anger._

_“HEY!”_

_“That’s her way of saying it was really good, right Yuri?” Sayori would ask for confirmation. Yuri smiled, nodding as she gave Natsuki a brief kiss on the cheek. Natsuki turned an even deeper shade of red._

_“You did wonderfully, honey,” she whispered soothingly, making Monika and Sayori crack up as Natsuki grumbled to herself._

_At this point, all three girls would turn towards Monika. “Ah, I guess it is my turn, then?” she would say, standing up and straightening her skirt. She would take a deep breath. “Well, I hope I don’t disappoint. I worked really…_ really _hard on this.”_

_As Monika walked up to the front of the room, she might hear Sayori cheer her on. “Wooo, go Monika!” was something that Monika imagined she might say. That always made Monika smile._

_Clearing her throat, Monika would pull her poem out from her shirt jacket and straighten it out, holding it out in front of her. “This poem is entitled,_ To the Girl Whom I Love: _”_

(Sayori’s eyes widened as she read the title)

 

_This poem is dedicated to the girl whom I love,_

_The one I believe whom was sent from above,_

_Her eyes make me melt underneath their sweet gaze,_

_And it is with her I wish to spend all of my days._

 

_To the girl whom I love, you are luminescent,_

_And to call you mine would be a magnificent present._

_Her smile is radiant, and her soul, does it glow,_

_And she’s perfectly wrapped in a red, little bow._

 

(“M-m-oni, what is thi—” “Just keep reading, please.”)

 

_Her beauty is unparalleled, and yes, it is true,_

_I can’t think of a more wonderful person than you._

_Your laugh makes me grin; your hair is like cream;_

_Every second with you is something out of a dream._

_To the person in this room whom I lovingly adore,_

_I would take absolute pleasure in nothing more_

_Than for you to be in my possession;_

_Sayori, do you accept my confession?_

* * *

 

Monika’s imagination stopped there. She would have liked to think that Sayori would have gotten up, a wide grin on her face, said yes, and then leaned in and kissed her. Yuri would hide a pleased smile on her face as Natsuki would roll her eyes, grinning. But, to be honest, she was never certain how Sayori would react. She had tried to convince herself that Sayori felt the same way, but truthfully, she was never absolutely sure. She supposed, however, that she would find out now.

Sayori’s lip quivered as her shaking hands held onto the poem. Tears were streaming down her face as she sat down with her legs crossed across the couch next to Monika. Monika desperately wanted to reach over to her and hold her tightly, but after revealing her feelings to her without knowing if they were reciprocated, she knew that she probably should restrain herself. She still really, really wanted to, though.

“Monika…y-you really wrote this?” she asked, her voice trembling as she looked up from the poem.

Monika nodded. “I meant every word. Still do, nothing that I’ve learned from you today changed my feelings,” she said, a small smile on her face. “I thought…if you wanted proof that I’d never willingly leave your side, well, now you have it, ahaha,” she chuckled nervously, scratching the back of her neck anxiously.

“B-b-but…” Sayori looked back down at the poem in her hands, then back at her with teary eyes. “W-why me?”

Monika blinked. “Why not you? Doesn’t this make it obvious how much I love you?”

“B-but I don’t deserve it!” Sayori said, a hint of anger in her voice that made Monika jump. “I’m a failure! I pull down your reputation by you even associating with me! I don’t deserve your love, or anyone’s love! I wake up every morning depressed and I lack the motivation to even make myself breakfast! I’m worthless, and I’ll never change even with your help! _I WAS SUPPOSED TO DIE TODAY!_ ”

Both Monika and Sayori herself were surprised at the outburst, and immediately after the words came out of her mouth, she broke down, crying her eyes out as fiercely as she had that morning when Monika had found her. Monika quickly reached over and hugged her tightly, and she was thankful that she didn’t pull away. Sayori rested on her chest, holding tightly onto her as if she were a lifeline, sobbing. Monika looked down at her with concern.

“Sayori…” Monika said slowly as her crying began to calm down. “Were those the rainclouds? Is that what they feel like?”

Wordlessly, Sayori nodded against her, sniffling.

Monika nodded, stroking her hands through her hair to try to calm her. “All of what you said, or what the rainclouds said, isn’t true. You’re not a failure, and you’re not worthless. It would be the highest honor in the world for me to be with you…and you _do_ deserve love,” she said, sighing as her arms relaxed around Sayori. Her crying had subsided now, for the most part. “That being said, I don’t want you to feel pressured into anything. If you don’t feel the same way, then nothing has to change between us. I’m still here for you as a friend, if you want me that way.”

“W-wait…” Sayori said quietly, lifting her head up to look at her. She was practically lying down on top of Monika at this point, and Monika could still see that she had tears in her eyes. “You…you really thought I didn’t love you?” she asked, her voice fragile and strained. Monika’s heart nearly skipped a beat as she stared into her eyes. Sure, Sayori had often told her that she loved her on multiple occasions, but in this context, it held an entirely different meaning. A red blush formed on both girls’ faces.

“I, erm, didn’t want to assume anything,” Monika said breathlessly as she stared into Sayori’s eyes. Even through all of the tears she had shed today, they were still so, so beautiful.

A small smile formed on Sayori’s lips. “Well, I do. I love you, Monika…” she said, the blush on her face reddening considerably as she said the words. “I…I just couldn’t believe that you would love me, too.”

“Believe it,” Monika said, grinning up at her. “I really, truly love you.”

The smile on Sayori’s face only widened as she said it again. It was then, as she stared into her light blue eyes, that Monika realized just how close the two of them were. Sayori was inches away from her, and Monika couldn’t help but glance at her lips. She felt herself being pulled in, as if she couldn’t control herself, and Sayori was getting closer to her as well, closing the distance. She was so close, so tantalizingly close. Was this a good idea? Monika didn’t know, all she knew was that she was about to –

“I’m sorry,” Sayori said, her smile gone as she pulled away from her. Monika frowned in concern. “I…I love you Monika, and it’s not that I don’t want to, but I, um, I still don’t feel worthy of your love in return,” she explained slowly, that sad smile back on her lips. “I know you’ll tell me otherwise, but I can’t help that I feel that way.”

Monika realized that all of this was probably far too much far too soon for Sayori. While a part of her couldn’t help but be a little disappointed that she wasn’t able to kiss her, she also realized that she had made her friend (girlfriend? Perhaps that was a little premature, too) uncomfortable. Monika reached out to grab her hands soothingly.

“Don’t be. I shouldn’t have tried to do that,” she insisted, looking over at Sayori’s worried expression. “This all does seem a little quick, after everything…would you prefer to take things slower?”

The tension in Sayori’s body relaxed as she nodded thankfully. “Yeah. Slower sounds good.”

Monika breathed a sigh of relief. She was glad that she hadn’t scared Sayori away so quickly. And, in all honesty, this was probably for the best. Monika wanted her to feel worthy and loved, and if she didn’t feel that way yet, then maybe it was better to take things slow. But that didn’t make her impatient as all hell.

“So, how slow are we talking here? Just friends? Or… _girlfriends_?” Monika asked slyly, a jokey smirk on her face that turned Sayori into a giggling, blushing puddle. She loved it when she was able to turn her into a puddle.

“Hehe, girlfriends sounds nice, actually,” Sayori replied, laughing. Monika grinned happily. “And I’m still okay with sharing a bed, and hugging. Just, um, no kissing yet, or, uh, anything more than that. I don’t want things between us to change too much right now,” Sayori finished, blushing.

Monika gave her a mock-salute. “Your orders are my command…girlfriend!” she said jokingly. Sayori, sinking into the sofa with her hands covering her face in embarrassment, seemed to become even more puddle-like.

“Gaah, what have I just agreed to???” she asked dramatically, groaning. “Less than a minute in, and you’re already killing me with cheesiness!” Monika laughed, reaching over to her and wrapping her arms around her newly-established girlfriend.

“Ahaha, you haven’t seen anything yet, trust me,” she said sweetly, hugging Sayori as she pouted. Although there was a good-natured smile on her face that lit up Monika’s day.

Both girls were drained from the day’s events, and it was only three in the afternoon. To Monika, it had felt like a month had passed since this morning. After some negotiating with Sayori, she decided that she would order in a pizza for them to have before turning in early…very early.

It was around seven o’clock when a tired Sayori, wearing light blue pajamas, stumbled out of the bathroom, yawning, and plopped down on Monika’s bed. Monika, already lying on top of the covers, chuckled quietly as Sayori groaned tiredly. Getting up, Monika slowly went to the window to close the blinds. She walked back to Sayori and, seeing how adorably tired she was, lifted the covers of the bed from underneath her and draped them over her girlfriend. Smiling down at her, she went over to the other edge of the bed and lied down.

She knew that she should keep her distance. Sayori still wanted to take this slowly. Of course, if Monika had her way, she would be entangled around her right now and passionately kissing her, but she understood that one of the central components of any relationship was respecting the other individual’s boundaries. The fact that Sayori had accepted her confession and wanted to be in a relationship was enough to send Monika over the moon with happiness. But part of her still wanted to –

“Moni?” Sayori moaned sleepily from across the bed. Monika turned her head to look at her. Her girlfriend had a very sleepy expression on her face that made it hard for her to keep her eyes open, but it looked like she wanted something. “Can you, um…no, never mind. It’s stupid.”

“What is it?” Monika asked curiously.

Sayori paused, looking over at Monika shyly. “Can you…hold me?” she asked. Monika’s eyes lit up.

She didn’t have to be told twice.

Scooting over, she wrapped her arms around the girl and hugged her from behind, making Sayori emit a soft whine as she nestled against her.

“Sayori…” Monika whispered, looking at the back of her head. “I know it might not feel like it now, but you’re going to get better. I’m going to make you feel better if it’s the last thing that I do. I promise.”

“Mmm…”

“I love you, Sayori.”

“Love you too…” Sayori mumbled, sleep quickly overcoming her as she snored lightly with the back of her body pressed up against Monika. Monika smiled to herself, wrapping her arms protectively around her. She could definitely get used to this. She just hoped that Sayori would get used to it, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all liked this chapter! It starts off pretty angsty but you get that sweet amount of fluff at the end. The next chapter is going to be Natsuki and Yuri heavy with them entering the scene, so be sure to expect that. I have a general idea for where I want to go for the next few chapters, so hopefully you will stick with this! Thank you so much for reading, and let me know if you have any thoughts on this chapter in the comments! :)
> 
> (Also, I'm sorry, I kinda suck at writing poetry. It needs to rhyme for me or else it comes out even messier than this one did. I hope this was okay though, I figured Monika would want something short and sweet that conveys the message she was trying to get across haha)


	4. Pancakes and Texts

Sayori woke up alone tangled in a pile of comfy blankets in a bed that was unfamiliar to her and the scent of freshly-baked pancakes permeating the air. Unlike the last time that she had woken up under Monika’s protection, her brain more readily remembered her situation: she was in Monika’s home, and her friend was likely the one who was making pancakes for her.

Wait…wasn’t she her girlfriend now? Hehe, she supposed that it was a little complicated…

_You don’t deserve her._

Sayori sighed. She knew that the rainclouds would be back sooner or later…she had just wished that they wouldn’t have come in right as she had gotten up. Sayori could have used a day off of depression. After all, Monika had confessed that she had loved her just the other day…shouldn’t that have made her happy?

 _She doesn’t mean it. She could never mean it. Even if she_ did _write that poem, it was before the festival. She loved the person she thought you were, but you’re not that person. You could never be that person. Monika fell in love with a lie._

They were being extra mean to her today. That thought in particular stung her like a thousand needles in her back. Did… _did_ Monika really love her? After she had found out about everything? After Sayori betrayed her trust in such a massive, fundamental way?

…no. She should, at the very least, take Monika at her word. If Monika said that she loved her, then Sayori trusted her.

_You still don’t deserve her love, though. She’ll change her mind as soon as she has to actually deal with the real you. You’ll be back home, alone, before the end of the week._

Her stomach rumbled. She wanted breakfast.

Rubbing her eyes, Sayori rolled out of Monika’s bed and looked at herself in the mirror. Her hair was a mess…well, _she_ was a mess. Combing through her hair with her hand, she supposed that she would shower later…it was a school day, after all. But first, she needed food.

Walking out of the bedroom, she walked through the small hallway of Monika’s apartment to find the girl in cute pair of light-green pajamas and a breakfast apron, holding a frying pan in one hand as she flipped a pancake on the stove, humming to herself. Sayori smiled and couldn’t help but groan a little bit in pleasure as the scent of the pancakes become stronger.

Monika noticed her walk in and turned around from the stove, beaming at her. “Morning, sleepyhead!” she said cheerfully, flipping over the pancake as it finished cooking. Sayori smiled in response, although she frowned to herself as she realized something…why was Monika still in pajamas, making her pancakes, on a school day? Wait…

“What time is it?” Sayori asked, looking worriedly at Monika as she placed the pancake onto one of the plates. It looked like she had already made a stack of pancakes: one for herself, and one for Sayori.

“Almost eleven,” she said casually, and Sayori’s eyes widened as Monika quickly continued. “Don’t worry, I already called the school to let them know we wouldn’t be there. I figured that we could both use a day off after everything.”

Sayori felt like she wanted to protest. She knew that _she_ didn’t really want to go to school, but at the same time, she didn’t want to hold Monika back from going without her. As if Monika were reading her thoughts, though, she felt her grab her by the hand and look her in the eye. “Sayori, I want to stay here with you…I’m not sure I’d be able to go to school right now either way. Let’s just have a lazy day together, just you and me, alright? There’s nothing more that I’d want.”

Sayori couldn’t help but smile. If she was honest with herself, there was nothing more that she wanted either. She nodded in response. Monika grinned, letting go of her hand as she moved back to the kitchen counter.

“Great!” she said, handing Sayori her stack of pancakes along with, to her delight, a can of whipped cream. “Now, I trust you’ll be able to decorate your own pancakes?”

“Yes! Thanks, Moni!” she said gratefully, but then paused. “…do you have sprinkles too?” Sayori asked hopefully, although just as she was asking the question Monika pulled out a small container of rainbow sprinkles.

“And I’ve got ice cream!” Monika said in a sing-song voice, opening the fridge and taking out a tub of vanilla ice cream. Sayori’s eyes widened. Oh, Monika was definitely going to regret this. But since she was offering…

Needless to say, her pancakes, covered in whipped cream, syrup, sprinkles, and with two scoops of ice cream on top, was an absolute mess.

Monika giggled at her as Sayori cut out a large piece of sugar-covered pancake and stuffed it into her mouth like a chipmunk lodging nuts into its cheeks for a long winter. Sayori blushed, giving her a small, sheepish smile as she chewed on what could probably still technically be considered food. She could definitely get used to this arrangement.

_But you’re mooching off of her._

Sayori felt that lump of guilt in her stomach form once again. She knew she shouldn’t be thinking those things. This was supposed to be a happy moment, and she _was_ happy: she was eating delicious pancakes with a beautiful girl who loved her, a girl whom Sayori loved as well. But…at the same time, she couldn’t help but feel guilty for forcing Monika to keep on watching over her, to make her pancakes, all just so she could make sure that she wouldn’t…

“Sayo, I can tell something’s bothering you,” Monika cut in, looking over at her as she sat next to her at the kitchen table. Sayori looked up from her half-eaten plate and saw Monika’s concerned expression. “We’re going to be honest with each other about what we’re both feeling from now on, right?” Reluctantly, Sayori nodded. “Good! So, what’s wrong?”

Sayori sighed. Monika already knew everything about the rainclouds. There was no use in lying to her. “I just…keep on feeling like a burden, I guess,” she admitted, rubbing at her tired eyes. “I know you keep on telling me otherwise, but…I still feel that way. I don’t like burdening you with looking after me and doing all of these nice things for me.”

“It’s not—” Monika started to say, but then sighed. “You know, sometimes I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. You might become a narcissist, and you might not ever be able to take your eyes away from a mirror ever again, but it would be worth it,” she said with a small laugh.

“Moni!” Sayori whined, blushing. She had to bite her inner cheek to stop herself from smiling.

“I’m joking! Well, partially,” Monika said, winking at her playfully before she grew serious again. “Anyway, I don’t want you to feel that way…helping you will never be a burden for me. There’s nothing more in this world that I find more enjoyable than doing nice things for you. I want to make pancakes for you every morning,” Monika said with a smile. Sayori smiled back sadly, wishing that she could just accept her girlfriend’s kindness without any guilt attached.

Monika must have noticed that she was still somewhat sad, and she pursed her lips. “How about this…” Monika said slowly, looking carefully at Sayori. “Maybe you can start making breakfast for me whenever you are up for it? I know that you’re not the best at cooking, but I could help you the first few times. That way, you could feel like you were helping out.”

“I…” Sayori frowned, stopping herself because her mouth was about to say no. Saying that she wasn’t the best at cooking was a massive understatement: Sayori couldn’t cook at all. But…that actually seemed like a pretty good solution. If Monika helped her, then maybe she could eventually learn how to cook on her own. Then maybe she wouldn’t have to feel like she was a problem child that needed to be cared for every second of the day. Sayori pouted. “You can really come up with a solution for everything, huh?” she asked jokingly. Monika laughed as a light blush creeped over her face.

“Ahaha, well, I try my best!” she said lightly, shrugging as she smiled at her. “Besides, I think it might be fun to cook together. Although if my cooking skills aren’t good enough, then maybe Natsuki can help you!”

_Natsuki._

Sayori froze at the mention of that name. So much had changed since yesterday, and she hadn’t seen or heard from Natsuki, or Yuri, since yesterday. She and Monika were supposed to be at the festival yesterday…and now they weren’t at school today. With her absence, Sayori had probably worried them sick, making her a burden to even more people, not just Monika.

_Did you really forget about Natsuki and Yuri? You’re supposed to be their friend. Some friend you are, though._

Wait…Monika had talked to Yuri yesterday, shortly after she had found her about to…well…

_After you were about to hang yourself. Just say it. Even now, it’s still a comforting thought to you, isn’t it?_

No, focus. After her… _incident_ , Monika had stepped out of the room and called Yuri. Sayori couldn’t help but wonder what she had said to her…Monika had promised that she hadn’t told her about this, but…what if she had? Were Yuri and Natsuki already judging her for what she did? Had her friendship with them already been irrevocably, devastatingly destroyed before Sayori had even had the chance to tell her herself?

“Monika?” Sayori asked, looking at her cautiously. “How much…I-I mean, have you talked to Natsuki at all since yesterday? Or Yuri?”

Monika swallowed one of her last bites of pancakes and wiped her mouth before answering. “I called Yuri this morning just to let her know that we wouldn’t be at school, because the club is supposed to meet after school. As far as they’re concerned, I just told them that you’re sick and that I’m looking after you.”

 _Well, that’s the truth, isn’t it? You_ are _sick, Sayori._

“Sayori…I didn’t tell them anything about what actually happened, either today or yesterday…but…” Monika sighed. “I think they know something’s up. Yuri didn’t seem to buy the whole sick thing, and she mentioned that Natsuki was pretty worried because you haven’t been responding to her texts…”

Sayori froze as she realized that she had done the one thing that no one, let alone a modern-day teenage girl, had ever been able to accomplish under any circumstance: she had forgotten about her cell phone. She thought back to yesterday morning…while she had been making what she thought was going to be her final preparations, she had gotten a couple of texts and a call from Monika. She had been able to ignore the texts, but as soon as her phone went off she couldn’t take it anymore. She hung up on Monika and then tore out the battery, making the green-eyed girl completely unable to contact her unless she met her in-person…which she evidently did.

Outside of hastily throwing her phone and battery inside her bag to go to Monika’s, she hadn’t touched it since. Much less read her texts, which she realized with wide, worried eyes might have scared anyone who might have tried to contact her over the past twenty-four hours.

“Shi—oot!” Sayori nearly swore, catching Monika’s attention as she looked back at her, startled. “One minute, I need to get my phone,” she explained as she quickly ran back to Monika’s room to grab her phone from her bag. Walking back into the kitchen with her battery placed back into the smartphone, it took a minute to turn on before she saw that she had 25 new text messages and 4 missed calls.

Sayori almost swore again. Sitting back down next to Monika, who peered over her shoulder curiously, she opened up the slew of messages from her pink-haired friend.

_Yesterday 11:12 AM_

_Natsuki: Dude, r u & Monika coming?? _

_Yesterday 11:25 AM_

_Natsuki: Helloooooooooo???????_

_Yesterday 12:06 PM_

_Natsuki: Kk so Monika called Yuri…guess ur sick? U OK?_

_Yesterday 12:26 PM_

_Natsuki: ????_

_Yesterday 12:54 PM_

_Natsuki: OK seriously?? I know ur sick but u cant even text? Did monika cut off ur fingers or something? lol_

_Yesterday 1:05 PM_

_Natsuki: Also, just so u and monika know, we packed up from festival a while ago. U missed some good cupcakes, just sayin_

_Yesterday 1:20 PM_

_Natsuki: Kk I get ur trying to sleep but…TEXT ME BACK!!!!_

_Missed Call from Natsuki Yesterday at 2:00 PM_

_Yesterday 2:02 PM_

_Natsuki: GRRRRRR PICK UP UR GODDAMN PHONE SAYORISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS_

_Yesterday 2:03 PM_

_Natsuki: *GOSH *DANG PHONE_

_Yesterday 2:10 PM_

_Natsuki: Sorry 4 swearing…seriously tho, call me? Please?_

_Missed Call from Natsuki Yesterday at 4:15 PM_

It went on like this for quite some time, until one final text this morning asking Sayori to call her as soon as she read this. As Sayori scrolled through the texts which fluctuated between Natsuki pretending not to care and desperately wanting her to reply, she felt a lump of guilt plop in her stomach. She felt horrible. Natsuki was (or, at least, was supposed to be) her best friend. She had known her even before she had known Monika. To make her best friend worry like that…it didn’t sit well with her.

Sayori groaned, leaning back in her chair as Monika, who had also been reading the texts, rested her chin on her shoulder, looking worriedly at her. “What are you gonna do?” she asked.

She sighed. “I guess I’ll call her back…” Sayori said, her finger hovering over Natsuki’s contact in her phone. She paused. “W-what should I say to her? How much should I…tell her?”” she asked Monika, glancing nervously at her.

Monika hummed in thought as she got her head off of Sayori’s shoulder. “I can’t make that decision for you. You have to be the judge on what you’ll feel comfortable telling or not telling,” she said at first, but paused as she considered something else. “But…if I were Natsuki, I would like to know what actually happened. Same with Yuri.”

Sayori’s stomach dropped. No. She couldn’t tell her. Monika was forced into this situation, that didn’t mean that Natsuki or Yuri had to be forced to take care of her either. Monika was so perfect to her…she had reacted quickly to try to take care of her the best possible way. But…how would either Natsuki or Yuri react to the news? Yuri would probably get anxious and freak out. And Natsuki…

_Natsuki would get angry. She will hate you once she finds out that you tried to commit suicide. And you’d deserve it, because you betrayed her friendship and her trust. She will want nothing to do with you…just like him._

Sayori winced as the rainclouds brought up her old friend, the person who abandoned her all those years ago. As much as it pained her to feel this way, she could easily imagine Natsuki doing the same thing. She could just walk away the moment she hears about her depression and the attempt on her own life and just…leave. Leave the mess that was Sayori. And there was no doubt in her mind that she would take Yuri with her, as well. Leaving the count of people in her life who could tolerate Sayori to just one: Monika.

_And how long would that last?_

“Are the, uhh, rainclouds bothering you?” Monika asked gently, snapping Sayori out of her mental state at least momentarily. Sighing, she nodded in response. She was finding it harder and harder to hide how she was feeling around the taller girl, which was still a little jarring considering she had been hiding this part of herself in the shadows for so long. Monika hummed in response. “Well, I don’t think you have anything to worry about…but you probably shouldn’t tell her everything that happened over the phone,” she said. “Just…maybe just tell her that you’re sorry for missing the festival? I think she’d like to hear that. You can figure out everything else you want to tell her later.”

Sayori forced a smile onto her face, nodding. Yeah. Monika was right, as always. She should call her friend now and worry about telling her everything later. As Monika picked up their empty plates to give her some privacy, Sayori walked into Monika’s living room and sat down on the couch, her phone shaking in her hand.

She took a deep breath. It was just Natsuki. She was one of the easiest people to talk to, mainly because she filled up the gaps of silence with endless streams of talking in the moments that Sayori didn’t have to. She could talk to Natsuki. Putting an artificial smile onto her face, she tried to mimic the cheerfulness in her voice that had become second nature to her while she was with other people. She could do this.

_Call Natsuki_

Within the first ring, Natsuki picked up. “SAYORI!!!” Sayori immediately moved her phone away from her ear as Natsuki’s voice yelled at her. “You better have a good reason for ignoring me for an entire day!!”

Again, Sayori felt guilty. But she forced out a carefree laugh as she brought the phone back to her face. “I’m sorry!!” she said, controlling her voice to sound both a touch concerned while also remaining excited. “My phone was dead, and I only just got your texts! I’m sorry if I worried you…”

“W-what? I wasn’t worried, dummy!” Natsuki said defensively. Sayori couldn’t help but roll her eyes good-naturedly. That was definitely Natsuki, alright. “If anything, it was Yuri who was worried! She kept on asking about – wait, your phone was dead for an _entire day_? Haven’t you, like, heard of a phone charger? Helloooo?”

Sayori mentally cursed herself but tried to pull it off as her being ditzy. She could play the fool when she needed to. “Ehehe, I guess I forgot…I was really sick yesterday, ya know!” she said in her defense. Technically, this was the first lie to come out of her mouth… _well done, Sayori!_ She thought sarcastically to herself.

“Really? You don’t sound sick,” Natsuki countered. Sayori felt her heartbeat quicken a little bit due to nerves. Why was she being so prying?

“Well, I feel better today! But I still needed the day off,” Sayori said quickly, hoping that Natsuki wouldn’t dig any deeper.

“Ugh, fine! Well, you better be back in tomorrow! I mi—I mean, Yuri missed you! Right, Yuri???” Sayori heard the small, timid voice of her violet-haired friend in the distance as Natsuki paused for a second.

“It’s nice to know you’re okay, Sayo—” Yuri began to mumble before Natsuki yanked the phone away.

“Yeah, okay, that’s enough out of you! She called _me_ , not you!” Natsuki said, presumably to Yuri. Sayori could almost imagine Yuri absentmindedly scrolling through her phone while sitting next to Natsuki, rolling her eyes with a fond smile on her face while Natsuki talked on her phone excitedly.

“Hi Yuri!!” Sayori said as Natsuki scoffed. “I’m really sorry that I missed the festival, guys! I hope it went okay without me!”

“I mean, it went _okay_ …” Natsuki said, emphasizing the last word in her sentence. “But it wasn’t, like, amazing or anything. I was able to save some cupcakes for you, though! I mean, it’s not like I was going to give any cupcakes to every dweeb that came in that didn’t give a shi—crap about literature. And _apparently_ , the icing on my cupcakes are _TOO SWEET_ for Yuri, so there’s a lot left!”

“Aww, gee, well, you know that your ol’ pal Sayori wouldn’t put them to waste!” Sayori quipped as she put on her cheerful voice. It was fake, of course, but she had trained it for so long that she knew it was convincing. She even had a wide smile on her face while she said it, even though it wasn’t like she and Natsuki were facetiming. It wasn’t like this was particularly hard to do…in fact, after taking a break of pretending that everything was alright, Sayori felt herself slipping her mask back on very easily. She would be fake-happy, for Natsuki’s and everyone else’s sake, and no one except her would be hurt. It was almost as if nothing had changed at all.

…that was, until Sayori glanced out of the corner of her eye to see Monika staring at her from the other side of the room.

Monika was very hard to read, but whatever she was feeling, it made Sayori pause. Her eyebrows were furrowed slightly and her lips were tightly sewed together in a frown. It took a second for it all to click together for her: Monika knew. She could see past the disguise that had served her well for so long. And Monika knew that she was using it while she was on the phone with Natsuki, trying to pretend that everything was okay when it wasn’t. Once Monika had seen past the mask, she couldn’t ignore it ever again. And Sayori knew that if she couldn’t be fooled, then it would be harder to fool everyone else.

Sayori’s fake smile crumbled into a more genuine, softer expression. She couldn’t lie to her friends like this anymore.

_If Natsuki or Yuri find out, they’ll hate you forever._

She had no other choice.

“Whatever! You’ll just have to wait until tomorrow when I bring what’s left to the club meeting!” Natsuki said teasingly, snapping Sayori back to reality. Although unlike just a few seconds ago, Sayori’s seemingly cheerful demeanor didn’t follow her back into the conversation.

“Hey, Nat?” she asked softly into the phone. Her tone must have made a drastic change, because Natsuki reacted with surprise on the other end of the line.

“ _Whoooaa_ , when did you get all serious all of a sudden?” Natsuki asked jokingly, although Sayori thought she could detect some hints of concern underneath her demeanor. “What’s up?”

“I…” Sayori started to say, glancing over at Monika as she sat down next to her on the couch. Monika reached out her hand, and it only took a second for Sayori to grab it, tightly. She took a deep breath before continuing. “Can…do you think maybe you and Yuri would be up for an informal club meeting after school? At Monika’s place,” she clarified.

“Uhh, yeah, I guess. Why though?”

“I just…there’s something I need to talk about with both of you,” Sayori said, gulping as she saw Monika’s eyes widen in surprise.

“Okay, whatever. Wait, what are you doing at Monika’s—” Natsuki began to ask, but she was cut off as Yuri began saying something to her. “Oh, shi—shoot, we’ve gotta go to class. We’ll be there after school though! See ya, Sayo!”

Sayori let out a breath of relief. She didn’t even realize that she had been holding in a breath. “Okay, see you soon Natsuki,” she said as she hung up. It was only after she removed her phone from her ear that she realized that the hand she had been using to hold it was shaking, almost violently so. Monika must have noticed, too, because she reached over to her and grabbed her other hand to steady it.

“What are you planning on telling them?” Monika asked her gently, looking over her protectively. Sayori sighed.

“E-everything…” she responded quietly, her voice cracking. “The rainclouds, the depression, the attempt…everything.” She felt on the verge of tears once again.

_Jeez, you sure do cry a lot, don’t you? That’s not a very attractive feature._

“Sayori, are you sure? If you’re not ready, then you don’t have to tell them anything you don’t want to,” Monika reassured her. The thought was nice, but Sayori knew that she had already made up her mind. There was no going back now. She shook her head.

“No, I need to tell them…and I think part of me wants to tell them, too…” Sayori admitted in a low whisper, knowing that if she talked any louder that she would risk crying. “I’m tired of hiding everything I’m feeling from the people I care about. If I keep on running from this, then it will only get harder…I’m just worried that Natsuki’s not going to take it well. But…” she looked up into Monika’s emerald eyes, which were pools of comfort in a sea of uncertainty. “…if you’re here with me, then I think I can do it.”

Monika, listening very closely to her, let a wide smile form on her face as she brought Sayori into a much-needed hug. “I will always be with you, forever and always,” Monika promised as Sayori let some silent tears fall down her cheeks. “And I’ll be with you one-hundred-percent of the way when you do tell them. You’re making the right choice. And I’m so, so proud of you.”

Sayori sniffled as she rested her chin on her girlfriend’s shoulder. “Proud of me? B-but I haven’t done anything yet…”

“Sayori, the fact that you want to do something now is already massive. Even if you don’t go through with telling them about everything, or even if you tell them nothing, just know that I’m proud of you for wanting to tell them,” Monika said, holding onto Sayori tightly. “I love you so, so much.”

Sayori smiled, and this time it was a genuine, real grin of happiness. “I love you too,” she said through her tears. “And…and I’m going to tell them.”

Much to Sayori’s satisfaction, the two of them stayed like that for quite some time, just in each other’s arms (or, it would probably be more accurate to say that Sayori was busy melting into a puddle in Monika’s arms). But Monika eventually pulled away slightly, or so Sayori had thought, but in actuality she was just readjusting herself so that she was holding Sayori from behind, pulling her into the couch with her as she laid down. As if Sayori wasn’t already squished enough.

Monika wiped away some of Sayori’s stray tears. “It’ll still be a little while before they come over…let’s get our minds off of this for now,” she suggested, and Sayori, craning her neck to look back at her, smiled gratefully. She nodded. “Okay, then in that case, I have a proposition for you.”

Sayori raised an eyebrow, noticing that Monika was trying to hide a very goofy grin on her face. “What is it?” she asked.

“Well…I was wondering if you wanted to, I don’t know…” Monika began to say as a blush formed on her cheeks. She reached for the TV remote on the other end of the couch as she continued, “…maybe we could Netflix and chill?”

Sayori let out a startled giggle. “What? Isn’t that something that girlfriends are supposed to do?” Monika asked her with a grin. “Or is watching Netflix too fast for you this early on in our relationship?”

 _Our relationship. Girlfriends._ Sayori wasn’t sure that Monika saying that would never not bewilder her. It made her feel insanely, inexplicably happy…even if she knew that she didn’t deserve such a caring, compassionate girlfriend such as Monika. She wasn’t even sure that she deserved a girlfriend at all. But she also knew that she wanted nothing more than to be with Monika…and she was just thankful that she had agreed to her request to take things slow.

“Ehehe, no, I think that would be perfect. I’d love to Netflix and chill with you,” Sayori said, giggling as Monika beamed at her. Although there was still one more immediate, pressing matter on her mind…and that was the fact that she herself was being pressed into Monika’s warm body. “Umm, Moni, do you want me to get off you? I can’t imagine that this is a very comfy position for you…” she started to say, but Monika immediately cut her off with a shake of the head.

“Nope! I’ll let you know when you cut off any blood circulation to the rest of my body,” she said, her arms wrapping around Sayori even tighter, although definitely not uncomfortably. In fact, it was the opposite. “Until then, you’re staying right here, little missy!”

Sayori moaned in approval as Monika cuddled with her. “Good…you make a good pillow, Monika,” Sayori said in a moment of bliss. But after realizing that she had just unintentionally vocalized those thoughts, she blushed a deep red as she tried to play it off, laughing nervously. “Eheh, sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

Monika laughed, a blush forming on her face. “That may just be the best compliment I’ve ever received, from anyone. I’ll be happy to be your pillow,” she said teasingly, and her head drew closer to Sayori’s for a brief instant, then froze, and then moved back to lie against an actual pillow on the couch. Sayori didn’t know what that was about, but she didn’t have time to question it as Monika flicked the TV on and asked her what she wanted to watch.

The two of them quickly settled on watching some TV show that Sayori thought looked interesting. It didn’t catch her attention, however. She wasn’t sure whether it was because the show itself was uninteresting, or if she was simply distracted by everything. In some ways, part of the distraction was pretty good: just Monika’s entire existence in her life was enough to make her smile and take her mind off the show. It was only amplified by the fact that they were so physically close at that moment.

But elsewhere in her mind, Sayori couldn’t shake off the anxiety of what she was about to do. She had never meant for anyone else to know about her depression…it was only through very uncomfortable circumstances that she had to tell Monika. And even before this incident, she had always known that Monika was a very understanding person in general. But Natsuki and Yuri? Sayori tried to think hard about how they might react, but she really didn’t know at all. And it wasn’t like the rainclouds were helping reassure her. But…it wasn’t like she could back out now, right?

Between the mixture of contentment in Monika’s arms, the tiring nervousness of what was coming, and her inattention to the television, Sayori began to feel very sleepy again. And Monika was a very enticing pillow…

Sayori wasn’t sure when she had fallen asleep, all she knew was that she groggily woke up when she heard what sounded like a knock on the door. Monika answered in a light but loud voice that the door was open, and then Sayori heard the front door to the apartment swing wide open. It took her a second to realize, though, that even though her eyes were open, all she saw was black. It was like she was wearing a blindfold…a soft, warm, and very squishy blindfold that was also covering most of her face…

It took Sayori another mortified second to realize that she must have rolled over at some point and had fallen asleep face-first into Monika’s breasts. And as she heard footsteps walk into the apartment and a loud gasp coming from the other side of the room, she also realized that Yuri and Natsuki had caught her.

“Sayori!” Sayori sprang up from her resting place to see Natsuki gawking at the both of them, while Yuri had a look of shock on her face as well. “Oh. My. God!” Natsuki said, a grin suddenly spreading across her face.

“N-natsuki!” Sayori yelped, moving away from Monika. Her girlfriend was blushing a deep shade of red as well, as if she hadn’t been thinking too hard once she had allowed their friends to come in. Sayori, feeling her cheeks practically on fire, knew that she was blushing too.

“Oh dear, I, erm, apologies for intruding at what may have been an inconvenient time,” Yuri said, flustered. “If the two of you would prefer to be alone for a little bit, then we can leave and come back—”

“YURI! Are you _seriously_ respecting their privacy after all of the shit they’ve pulled on us for the past month?” Natsuki asked incredulously, referring to the multiple times Sayori and Monika had publicly gushed over their relationship since the unlikely couple had gotten together. The endless stream of not-so-secretive photos of Natsuki and Yuri being cute together that either Sayori or Monika had taken instantly came to mind. “We just caught our innocent little angel Sayori neck-deep in Monika’s boobs. We are _totally_ capitalizing on this!”

“Natsuki! I-I was _asleep_!” Sayori said in her defense, her eyes darting between the three girls in the room, flustered.

“Right! Honestly, Natsuki, I think you’re making what you saw a bigger deal than it actually is…” Monika said, a small, embarrassed smirk on her face as she rolled her eyes.

“Well, I suppose the devil is in the details,” Yuri said, a bit more collected as she looked at the two of them with an amused expression. “Sayori, did you intentionally fall asleep atop Monika, or did you simply happen to roll over like that in your sleep?”

Sayori was about to respond indignantly with a non-answer, but Natsuki cut her off, noticing another detail. “Wait, hold on…both of you are still in your pajamas! Sayori, you spent the night here, didn’t you?” Natsuki asked, and Sayori’s non-verbal, blushing reaction was enough to give her the answer she needed. “Ha! I knew it. Y’know, I get that lesbian relationships are supposed to move fast, but sleeping with a girl you’ve only been in a relationship with for a day is a bit much!”

Sayori’s eyes widened in surprise. “Wait…how did you know about tha—”

“I may have signaled my intentions to them the morning before the festival,” Monika interrupted, nervously not meeting Sayori’s eyes. She looked pointedly at Natsuki and Yuri. “And I distinctly remember telling them _not_ to tell you about that.”

“Well, it worked out, didn’t it?” Natsuki said, scoffing as she crossed her arms. She had a satisfied smirk on her face large enough to create an international border. “Don’t answer that, I know _exactly_ what happened. Monika, you made an excuse to go see Sayori yesterday morning, keeping her all to yourself. THEN you confessed your love to her, and the two of you decided to skip the festival so you could kiss and make love for the past twenty-four hours. You two must have been up _all night_ doing it that you decided to skip school!” Natsuki cackled deviously as Yuri fiddled with her hair, a small, amused smile on her face as well.

Sayori’s expression changed to one of flustered embarrassment to one of fear as the blush on her face receded. Monika glanced over at her, her expression serious and worried as Sayori was reminded of the fact that she had told herself, and Monika, that she would tell them the truth about what happened. Natsuki’s alternative story of events, while under lighter circumstances would have been pretty amusing, wasn’t what had happened at all.

Both Yuri and Natsuki must have noticed their abrupt changes in demeanor, because they suddenly turned much more serious as confused expressions donned them both.

It was now or never. It was time to ignore the rainclouds that were clamoring for her to get up and run away from all of them, far, far away. She was able to talk to Monika, and now it was time to talk to Yuri and Natsuki. Sayori took a deep breath.

“There’s something I need to tell you guys…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for taking so long on this chapter! I've been really busy, and I'm also working on another non-DDLC fanfiction while writing this one, so I didn't have as much time to work on this story as I may have liked. Also, I kind of wasn't sure where I wanted to go with this chapter...I originally wanted to add in more Natsuki and Yuri, and maybe even write this entire chapter from Yuri's perspective, but I think I'm going to save that for later if I'm going to do that at all. Ultimately, I decided that some more buildup and development between Monika and Sayori as they get used to their relationship was necessary for what is going to be a waterfall of emotions next chapter. Get those tissues ready!
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has left kudos and comments! They are definitely very good motivation that makes me keep on going. I'm not sure how I want to end this story or how much longer I'd like it to be, but definitely expect at least a few more chapters. Thanks for reading! :)


	5. Scars

Yuri and Natsuki nervously sat across from the two of them, although neither of them appeared to be as nervous as Sayori looked. She was shaking. What Monika wouldn’t give to have her girlfriend’s still, calm body resting on top of her again…not only did it feel like bliss, despite the small discomfort, but it felt _really_ good to know that she was able to protect her. But now…Monika doesn’t know how to protect Sayori. She was about to tell her friends about what happened yesterday, and Monika was left in a bad position to protect her.

Monika had suggested that she tell them the truth, but she was far from confident about this course of action; in fact, as she noticed Sayori’s jittery hands, she sincerely questioned her own judgement. Had she told her to do the right thing? What if she was wrong? It had only been one day since everything came to a head…was it really wise to push Sayori this much at the risk of hurting her more? Maybe she shouldn’t have told her anything. Maybe Monika could have told Yuri and Natsuki about what happened some other time, with Sayori’s permission of course. But Sayori _was_ the one who decided that she was ready to tell them…regardless, it seemed to be too late to do anything about it now.

She didn’t expect Yuri to be a problem: the shy, timid girl would probably react very quietly to the news. Monika also knew that Yuri had been very supportive after the group had found out about Natsuki’s problems with her abusive father. But Natsuki…her reaction worried her. The girl could sometimes come off as brash and insensitive, and she was so close with Sayori yet knew nothing about her rainclouds; Sayori had told Monika this herself. So if Sayori told her that she had been hiding her depression from someone who was supposed to be her best friend, and almost took her own life yesterday, then Natsuki could react unpredictably. Monika really, _really_ hoped that she would be able to control herself around Sayori, because the point of this was to give her girlfriend _more_ of a support network. Monika hated that she was second-guessing her own advice now, when Sayori already had the two girls’ attention.

Out of habit at this point, Monika reached over the couch to grab Sayori’s hand, hoping to steady some of the nerves that she had. The shaking died down, although Sayori still wasn’t looking too confident. Monika tried to give her a weak smile while their eyes locked for a moment, but…she really didn’t know how else she could help. She felt useless. What more could she possibly do?

“Sayori? What’s going on?” Natsuki asked abruptly, worry creeping into her voice. Yuri remained silent, although a similar worry was very plainly visible on her face as well.

Sayori glanced one last time at Monika before looking towards the other girls. Monika squeezed her hand in reassurance. There was no way she was going to be letting go anytime soon.

She took a deep breath. “Y-yesterday was a bad day for me…” Sayori started to say slowly, her voice wavering as she shut her eyes. Monika didn’t doubt that her rainclouds were shouting in her head as she spoke. Sayori took in a deep breath. “I-it was a really…really bad day…”

“Okay…what happened?” Natsuki asked slowly, her brow furrowed. Yuri was still silent.

Sayori sighed. “Uhh, that’s the thing…nothing happened. Something almost happened though, but Monika found me…” she said, her eyes darting nervously back to Monika for a brief second. She knew that Sayori was probably in agony right now.

“Found you? What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Natsuki interrupted once again. Monika felt like jumping in and saying something to her, but Sayori glanced at her and nonverbally told her not to.

“I…” Sayori tried to start saying, but she ended up choking on her words. Monika knew that she was in so much pain right now, she wanted to suggest that maybe she could tell them instead of Sayori. In fact, she was about to, but then Sayori continued talking. “Yesterday morning, I-I almost killed myself…” she said quickly, her eyes squeezed tightly shut as she turned her head down to her lap.

Monika wasn’t prepared for their reactions. She had told herself, and Sayori as well, that they would be fine, but the truth was she didn’t know. As she glanced over to where Natsuki and Yuri were sitting, she saw both girls’ eyes widen. Natsuki was always the easier of the two to read, and it was pretty clear to Monika what was going through her head: sheer horror. She was a bomb, and it looked like she was about to explode.

“What did you say?” Natsuki asked sharply, her eyes piercing both of them. Monika felt Sayori shrink beside her. “Sayori, what the _hell_ did you say???”

Monika cringed, immediately taking offense the pink-haired girl’s tone of voice. It was already upsetting Sayori, and it upset her as well. “Natsuki, be quiet,” Monika said protectively, but Sayori stopped her, nudging her in the arm in order to get her attention. It was almost as if she expected this reaction as she continued sadly.

“I-I t-tried…” Sayori started to say quietly, but she needed to clear her voice again. “I-I _almost_ tried to hang myself…Monika found me before I could actually, uh, do it,” she said. Sayori was shaking intensely now, and Monika tried to reach her arm over to hug her but her girlfriend had moved away slightly. Yuri was still very, very silent. Almost unnervingly so. “I-I u-understand if y-you’re mad—”

“ _Why_.” Natsuki interrupted her, the word coming out as less of a statement and more of an exclamation, causing Monika to whip her head over to her again. The last thing that Sayori needed was for Natsuki to freak out on her now, and so she hoped that a death glare would be enough to shut her up. It wasn’t. “Why the _FUCK_ would you do something like that?! Why would you do something so STUPID???” she nearly screamed.

“Natsuki, shut up!” Monika shouted at her, scowling. She didn’t mean to yell, but it just came instinctually once Natsuki began attacking Sayori. Next to her, she felt the fragile girl flinch. She wasn’t helping, she realized. She was only doing more harm. Natsuki, however, didn’t seem to realize this.

“I don’t wanna hear anything from you! Why didn’t you say anything???” Natsuki snapped at her. Monika simply glared at her. “We were scared _shitless_ for twenty-four hours that something bad had happened! And you hid it from us, something _THIS_ serious—”

“It’s been a long twenty-four hours for us too, trust me!” Monika interrupted furiously. “I need you to calm down, or else you’re going to—”

“No, I’m not gonna calm down!” Natsuki fired back, glaring directly back at Monika. “My BEST FRIEND just tried to kill herself yesterday!! What the fuck is she doing here?! What if she tries to do it again?? Christ, do you even know if she’s still suicida—”

“N-Natsuki!”

The two fiery pairs of eyes turned towards the quiet girl with the violet hair, who had been silent for this entire conversation up until now. Having caught their attention, Yuri motioned her head back over to Sayori. Monika turned, and immediately felt a pit of guilt plop in her stomach as she saw Sayori curled up in a nervous ball, rocking back and forth as her eyes were squeezed shut and her hands covered her ears.

Monika should have known better. Sayori hated fighting. She was always a great mediator, more than Monika could ever dream to be; after all, she had helped break up fights between Yuri and Natsuki in the past before their relationship. Now, she and Natsuki were fighting, and Monika could only imagine that in Sayori’s mind, it was all _her_ fault. But it wasn’t. She needed to make sure Sayori understood this. She was supposed to be the one to take care of her, after all, and she was failing miserably.

“Sayori, I’m so sorry…” Monika said quietly, reaching her hand over to lift her head up. Sayori slowly opened her eyes and looked up at her, tears already streaking down them. There was fear and hurt in her eyes, but also feelings she recognized as guilt and, disappointingly, regret. Monika had told her that this would have been the right move. This really, really wasn’t how this was supposed to go. Monika was partly to blame for letting herself get worked up over it, but she still saw it as mainly Natsuki’s fault. The girl, who was now crossing her arms, was looking away from them and chewing at her bottom lip.

“Monika, erm…” Yuri started to say again. She, Natsuki, and a teary-eyed Sayori all turned to her again. “Maybe it would be best if you and Natsuki went into another room? I feel as if there’s something that Sayori and I should, ah, talk about, and I would prefer privacy.”

Everyone seemed to look caught off guard by the suggestion. Monika furrowed her brow, looking over at Sayori. She also seemed to be deep in thought, but as she looked back on her, she slowly nodded, indicating that Yuri’s proposition was okay. Monika sighed. It was probably best if she got Natsuki in the other room anyway, judging from how much harm she had already caused…not to mention that Monika could get angry at her away from Sayori’s gaze. No one would be able to talk to her girlfriend like that and get away with it.

“Okay,” Monika finally said to Yuri. Natsuki, pouting, got up to leave the living room. Monika paused before getting up as well, leaning over to hug a sniffling and fidgeting Sayori tightly. For not the first time since everything that had happened, Monika had to fight the urge to kiss her. “Everything’s going to be alright, honey. I promise,” she whispered. “I love you.”

Sayori tried to fake a smile, but by this point Monika wasn’t so easily fooled. She held onto her tightly for another moment before letting go, getting up from the couch and leaving her alone with Yuri. She didn’t know exactly what she had in mind, but Yuri was always calm and rational; surely she would have something in mind that would at least help her relax. And in the meantime, Monika needed to have a long, serious talk with Natsuki.

Natsuki was already standing in her room, her arms crossed and a scowl on her face as Monika opened the door. Oh, of course, because _she_ had the right to be mad at _her_.

As soon as Monika had closed the door, Natsuki started talking. “What the hell is wrong with you?” she demanded, and Monika would have laughed at the absurdity of the question if the situation wasn’t so serious.

“Keep your voice down,” she hissed back at Natsuki. “I don’t want Sayori to overhear us. And more importantly, what the hell is wrong with _you?_ ”

“OH, well excuse me—” Natsuki started to say, but paused as she lowered her voice to a loud whisper. “Well, excuse me if I’m a little upset that _my best friend_ almost killed herself yesterday, and I’m only finding out about this now! I would have that you would have told us _something_ , but _oh no_ , wishful fucking thinking I guess!”

“She wasn’t ready for anyone else to know until today!” Monika whispered insistently back. “I couldn’t go behind her back and tell you. It took her _this long_ to build up the courage to come out and say it!”

“And what’s she been doing since then?” Natsuki demanded, her hands on her hips. “Why isn’t she making this progress in, oh I don’t know, a _hospital_? Some place that actually knows how to treat people like her?”

“There’s nothing—” Monika stopped herself. She was about to say that there was nothing wrong with Sayori, but that wasn’t true. “I’ve already talked with Sayori about this, and she’d prefer not to. As long as she stays here with me where I can watch her, then I don’t see the need. She’d be more comfortable here then in a hospital anyway.”

“Oh, so, you’re the only person that she needs? She shouldn’t be getting help from anyone else??”

“Natsuki, that’s the entire point of this meeting, so she can get more of a support network, not less of one!” Monika shot back, having to consciously control her voice to make sure that it was quiet enough to only be heard by the two of them. “You better hope that Yuri is doing some serious damage control in there, because you really upset her in there. She’s been hiding her depression from everyone for _years_ now, and the last time she tried to tell anyone outside of me they ended up deserting her. I had to do my damnedest to convince her I wouldn’t leave her, and right now she’s probably thinking that she just lost her best friend!”

Natsuki looked like she was about to say something, her mouth even opening up to form another combative sentence, but she paused. Monika knew that the girl was combative by nature: she didn’t like to be proven wrong, she hated showing anything that could be perceived as weakness, and she always tried to find a chance to talk back to anyone whenever she had the opportunity. But something that Monika had said had made her hesitate. Looking down at the floor, Natsuki’s angry expression gave way to a face creased with deep worry.

“I…I had no idea…” Natsuki admitted quietly, sighing. “I’m supposed to be her best friend, and I had _no fucking idea_ …” she sat down on the bed. “I…how long have you known? About her depression?”

Monika took a deep breath, thankful to have calmed Natsuki down. She would be lying if she said that she wasn’t still mad at her for acting so brashly, but a more rational Natsuki was much easier to deal with than one who was angry and emotional…although, as Monika carefully approached her, she realized that this was probably just as hard for Natsuki as it had been for herself.

“I only found out yesterday,” Monika replied softly, tentatively sitting down next to her on the bed. “She kind of had to tell me after I found her yesterday morning about to…” she froze, not finishing the sentence that she knew Natsuki knew the end to. She couldn’t say it. Sayori had said it, and Lord knows she had been through more than her, but Monika still couldn’t say the words. “After…after the near attempt,” she clarified.

Natsuki let out a shaky, disbelieving breath. “God…I was, like, really fucking worried something had happened when she didn’t pick up her phone, but I never would have thought _this_ …” she trailed off, her voice cracking slightly.

“Believe me, I know,” Monika said. “But right now, it’s really important that we’re here for her. Her wellbeing needs to be our number one priority.”

Natsuki nodded. A long silence falling between them before she began to say something else. “I…sorry. For the yelling.”

Monika sighed. “I’m not the one who you need to apologize. Apologize to Sayori. You really hurt her.”

“I-I know…” Natsuki said quietly. “I will once Yuri’s done talking to her. I have a feeling that she’s saying something pretty important to her right now that might help her.”

Monika exhaled in relief, nodding in agreement. The two of them remained in silence for a while before Natsuki spoke up again.

“But, I was right about you two being in a relationship now, right?” she asked. “I mean, there’s no way she would have fallen asleep on your boobs if you two weren’t dating.”

Monika was very thankful at Natsuki’s attempt to further deescalate the situation and smiled. “Yes…we’re taking it slow though, at whatever pace is most comfortable for her. Mainly just cuddling at this point.”

“Okay. Good,” Natsuki said in response. “Though as her best friend, I’d just like to let you know that if you break her heart, I’m legally obligated to hunt you down and kill you.”

Monika laughed lightly. “Okay. Noted.” She glanced over at the smaller girl sitting next to her on the bed, only to see that despite the hint of a small, amused smile on her face, Natsuki was crying silent tears. Monika realized that this wasn’t just her and Sayori’s secret anymore: now, they all shared this pain. If they were all going to get through this, then they needed to do it together.

She really, really hoped that Yuri was saying something nice to Sayori right now.

* * *

 

 

_Stupid, stupid, STUPID. Look what you did. Did you seriously think it would be a good idea to tell Natsuki?_

She had ruined everything.

_There goes your friendship with Natsuki. Another one bites the dust. It’s just a shame that you didn’t._

Sayori sniffled, tears streaking down her cheeks as Monika left the room. Natsuki had looked so eager to leave…probably the only reason she was staying was because of Yuri, who for some reason thought that she was worthy of her time. She might as well consider her friendship with Natsuki over now, she thought. She had never seen her best friend so emotional and angry before, and Sayori didn’t blame her; after all, it was all out in the open now. She was a freak. For whatever reason, Monika overlooked that part of her, but Natsuki certainly didn’t. She saw the freak and was repulsed by it, as she should be.

“Sayori?” Yuri said, catching her attention. Sayori looked up from her knees and towards the quiet girl sitting across from her. “I, erm, wouldn’t worry about Natsuki. She gets worked up pretty easily.”

Sayori sighed, trying to wipe away some of her tears with her pajama sleeves. “She hates me…” she whimpered pitifully. _Wow, you’re already begging for sympathy from Yuri? It’s not like she would ever choose to be friends with you over her own girlfriend, what’s the point?_

“Trust me, she doesn’t,” Yuri said almost matter-of-factly. “Chances are, as soon as she comes out of that door she’ll tackle you onto the couch, throttling you and hugging you and begging for your forgiveness. It’s happened to me quite a few times after we’ve had a fight, and I can imagine the same thing happening to you easily.”

Honestly, a hug right about now didn’t sound too bad to Sayori, and she hoped that Yuri was right, although one part of what she had said didn’t sit well with her. “She doesn’t need to apologize…she did nothing wrong. I understand why she’s mad,” she said sadly, looking down at her lap again. How could she hold it against Natsuki for feeling betrayed once she found out that she was friends with a suicidal _freak_?

“She’s not mad. She’s just…upset. And stressed,” Yuri said as she sighed. “We were both pretty worried after you didn’t answer your phone at all yesterday.” Cautiously, she got up from her seat, walking over to the couch where Sayori was seated and sat down next to her. “I, ah…wanted to apologize for not noticing some of the signs you were exhibiting before you attempted such a thing. If I had known you were thinking of suicide as a possibility, I would have come to you earlier.”

Sayori furrowed her brow, looking at her friend with a confused expression. “Huh? Yuri, you shouldn’t be sorry either. There’s no way you would have known.”

“That’s…not entirely true. Allow me to explain,” Yuri started to say slowly. “A few weeks ago, I…I saw you, in the girl’s lavatory at school. You probably did not notice me, I was just in a stall, but I saw you, bawling your eyes out.”

Sayori’s stomach dropped. What Yuri was describing was something that happened far too often to her. She was able to put on a mask for most of the day, but there were times, many times, when the rainclouds became too much, even at school. When she could barely hold in her emotions, she would find an empty bathroom somewhere in the school – and she would be very careful to ensure that it was empty – before going over to the sink and crying everything out. Sometimes, someone she didn’t know would come in, and she would just pretend that she was washing her face. Sometimes, this required running around the entire school to look for a bathroom, and there were some close calls at some point, but she always tried to make sure that no one was in there with her when she started crying…maybe she just wasn’t careful enough one time, and Yuri ended up seeing her. But how did she not notice her?

“O-ohh…” Sayori said shakily, looking away from Yuri in mild embarrassment. Although she supposed that everything was out in the open now: she already knew about her suicide attempt, so she probably could guess about her depression. “I-it’s how I sometimes deal with my depression. S-sometimes I just can’t t-take it anymore, no one else was supposed to see that…”

Yuri smiled sadly. “I understand. More than you know, actually,” she said, making Sayori look over to her. Yuri had been mostly calm until now; now, however, she was fidgeting slightly now, fiddling with her hair like she always did when she was nervous. “You’re, err, probably wondering why I didn’t say anything earlier. Or why I didn’t get out of the stall and come talk to you. And, ahh, believe me, if I knew you would have done something so serious, then I most certainly would have. And I’m sorry for not doing that.”

Sayori frowned. “Yuri, you don’t—”

Yuri pursed her lips, motioning for her to be silent. Sayori begrudgingly complied. “I…I understand why you were in there, trying to cope with your depression and hide from the world. I was hiding, too. And…I was also trying to cope with my depression, but in a different way than you.”

Sayori’s eyes widened. Yuri dealt with depression too? She had always just seen her as shy and soft-spoken, but Sayori never would have guessed that her friend was going through something so similar. She had been completely oblivious.

_How could you be so self-centered?_

“Yuri…I had no idea…”

“It’s alright. I hid it well, just like you,” Yuri said softly, fidgeting with the long sleeves of her long school jacket. “And that day I saw you, I really, _really_ didn’t want you to see me, because…well, p-perhaps it would be better if I just showed you.” She inched closer to Sayori, looking over at her with fear in her eyes. Sayori looked at her concerned as Yuri hesitated for a moment before slowly pulling up the sleeves of her jacket.

What Sayori saw next made her audibly gasp as her eyes brimmed up with fresh tears. As Yuri’s pale arms became visible, she saw multiple scars, small and large, scattered across them. Some of them looked to be very old and mostly healed; others seemed to be much more visible. For the longest time, people at their school had spread nasty rumors that Yuri had self-harmed, but Sayori had never believed them. Obviously, now she didn’t think any less of her friend for those rumors being true, but she was still shocked nonetheless. Sayori gulped, staring down at her arms intensely before looking back at Yuri. She was at a complete loss for words.

“It’s okay…you don’t have to say anything,” Yuri said, as if reading her mind. “I understand that this can be a little…erm, distressing. I apologize for that. I…do you see the scars on my wrist?” She held out her arms as Sayori looked down at them again, distressing as it may have been. She tried to focus on the wrists but couldn’t find anything, as most of the cuts were further up her forearm. She shook her head. Yuri smiled sadly. “I thought you might not. They’ve probably mostly faded by now if you don’t look close enough, but for me, they will never go away…it’s almost like they’re etched into my mind forever, whenever I look down at them…” she paused, taking a deep, shaky breath.

She pulled away her arms, which Sayori noticed were now trembling. Scars on her wrists…even if she hadn’t seen them, if Yuri had cut herself there then…

“I-it was from the one time I tried to kill myself,” Yuri said, her voice, which until this point had remained relatively calm and steady, now wavering. Sayori gasped again, reaching over immediately to hug Yuri. The quiet girl seemed grateful for the hug as she reciprocated.

“Oh, Yuri…I’m so, so sorry that happened…” Sayori said, fresh tears prickling her eyes and making her voice crack. Yuri squeezed her back tightly before pulling away.

“Y-you couldn’t have done anything…quite literally. I didn’t even know you at the time,” she said, chuckling slightly out of nervousness. “It was about four years ago, and I had no one in my life who cared for me. Everyone at my old school called me a freak who stayed by herself—”

“You’re not!” Sayori interrupted, unable to contain herself. She always hated to see her friends belittle themselves like that. Yuri smiled somewhat gratefully to her as she continued.

“W-well, thank you. But I didn’t have anyone to tell me that back then. So, I…I decided that life wasn’t worth living anymore, and I tried to end my existence prematurely,” she said, sighing. “Obviously, I didn’t succeed. My parents found me in my bathtub before I had bled out completely and rushed me to the hospital. After recovering, ah, physically, at least, I was transferred over to your school. Things got better – a _lot_ better – after I met you guys. You, and Natsuki, and Monika were some of the first friends I had made since childhood. And…well, I shouldn’t have to tell you how much I enjoy having Natsuki in my life now,” Yuri added with a small, shy smile. Sayori couldn’t help but smile as well at the thought of their beyond adorable relationship, although she couldn’t help but think about something as soon as she mentioned Natsuki again.

“Does…does Natsuki know about all of this?” Sayori asked gently. Yuri’s smile faltered into a more contemplative expression.

“I haven’t told her about my attempt…I just haven’t found the courage yet…but she knows about the cutting,” Yuri said slowly. “It’s kind of hard to hide that from her. She doesn’t really understand it, but she tries her best to be supportive of me to help me stop. And…and I really _am_ getting better. Not only am I getting help from Natsuki, but I’m also seeing a therapist, who is also very helpful. My episodes of self-harm are becoming less and less frequent. And even though I have bad days, there are more and more days where I feel happy and loved.” She took a deep breath, smiling at Sayori. “I know I am getting better…which is why I know you will get better, too.”

Sayori paused. She had been so absorbed by hearing about Yuri and her depression that she completely forgot why they had started talking about it in the first place: because of _her_ depression, and _her_ suicide attempt. It was uncomfortable to dwell on it…she just wished she could continue to talk about Yuri and how she was doing.

“Yuri, I just…I don’t know…” Sayori said slowly, sighing. “My depression’s different, and I…I’m not sure there’s a cure for me. I’m too…selfish. You had no one when you attempted suicide, but I had some of the best friends in the world. And my depression still didn’t go away…even after Monika confessed to me.” Her eyes widened as she processed some of the words she was saying, realizing that she might be belittling everything that Yuri had so trustingly told her. “N-not to say that it’s been easy for you, though! O-or that you’ve fully healed! I just…sorry if it came across like I didn’t understand how hard it’s been for you, I know you’ve been through hell and—”

“Sayori.” Just by saying her name, Yuri was able to shut her up. There was a small, calming smile on her face. “The fact that you just said all of that, as well as all of the time I have spent with you prior over the past couple of years getting to know you in the Club, proves that you are not selfish in the slightest. You are, by far, the least selfish person I know.”

 _She’s lying_ , the rainclouds told her. But something about Yuri’s voice and the way she was talking told Sayori that not only was she not lying, but she was fully convinced that what she was saying was right. She furrowed her brow in confusion, and Yuri took this as a cue to explain before Sayori could contradict her.

“Just now, when I told you everything about my depression, the cutting, my suicide attempt, your first instinct was to hug me and comfort me. Not all people are like that, and I know it comes from the fact that you have a good heart,” Yuri said, holding up a finger the moment Sayori tried to interrupt. “No! Still talking. And the moment that I brought up your depression once again, you started talking about it but then quickly diverted the conversation back to me. Part of your reasoning behind it is probably due to you being uncomfortable with this still fresh wound, but I think a larger part of it is the fact that you’re worried for my wellbeing over your own.”

_She’s lying. She’s lying she’s lying she’s lying she’s lying she’s LYING!!!_

The rainclouds were screaming at Sayori now, telling her that Yuri was wrong. “B-but…I t-tried to h-hang myself…” she tried to say in an attempt to feebly push back. “N-natsuki, and Monika yesterday…I h-hurt all of you a lot. A-and I knew I was going to hurt you…at least on some level. B-but, I t-tried to do it anyway…what’s more selfish than that?”

Yuri sighed. “Sayori, the fact that you are guilty towards your decision is healthy, because it shows that you _do_ care about the people in your life. Don’t you see? If you were truly selfish, you would not have even considered us when you made that ultimate decision, and you wouldn’t have let Monika help you. Let’s put this into perspective…you hid your depression from all of us for how long, exactly?”

Sayori pushed away the rainclouds as this new thought entered her head. “A-all of my life,” Sayori breathed. “S-so, for as long as I’ve known each of you.”

“And I only found out by accident. Otherwise, I would have had no idea, just like Natsuki and Monika,” Yuri said. “You always put others first. You always listen. You are on a very small list of people who actually care about anything that I have to say, and you care better than most others. Sayori, you are the most selfless person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting, I consider myself very lucky to have you as a friend, and I know for a fact that you can get better.”

And suddenly, the rainclouds cleared.

As Sayori sat across from Yuri on the couch stunned, she didn’t feel the rain pelting down on her anymore. Usually, at this point in the conversation the perpetual clouds above her head would still be pelting down negative thoughts towards her, making her believe they were real and that despite what anyone else would try to say she was still a burden to them, but for once in her life they were just…quiet. She wasn’t sure if it had to do with the girl’s abrupt change in demeanor, but something about Yuri’s cool, calm, and downright confident voice when she said that she wasn’t selfish somehow convinced her, too. Yuri was sure that she was right about her, and Sayori really wanted to believe that she was right; so what was stopping her?

She knew that they wouldn’t remain absent from her mind for too long. But they were gone for now. And Sayori practically collapsed into Yuri’s arms, crying for the first time…in relief.

“S-sayori?”

Sayori opened her eyes, getting up slowly to see Natsuki walking cautiously towards her. Her eyes were red too, and she could tell that she had been crying as well. Her face still wet with tears, Sayori sat up fully, only for Natsuki to run towards her moments later and tackle-hug her on the couch, sending her back down into a startled Yuri.

“I’M SO SO SO SO SORRY, PLEASE _PLEASE_ FORGIVE ME!!!!” Natsuki cried into her, the small girl’s arms adequately suffocating her as Yuri tried to move away, maintaining her distance on the other side of the couch. Despite the serious matter, Sayori couldn’t help but giggle. And the smile that she felt tugging at her face wasn’t a fake like usual; this time, it was real.

“Okay, okay, Natsuki, it’s all good!” Sayori tried to say, although it was hard to when she could barely even breathe. “I forgive you, really! Now get off me, ya doofus!”

“ _NEVER_!” Natsuki growled through her tears, squeezing her even tighter for a moment until Sayori wheezed, causing Natsuki’s arms to immediately slacken around her. “Holy shit, are you okay??? Did I hurt you?? Fuck, I’m sorry!”

Sayori sat up again, catching her breath. “The only thing you need to apologize for is your dang language,” she responded playfully. Natsuki scoffed.

“Nope, no. You’ve been playing that overprotective mother role with me for far too long, and it’s about time that we change that up, starting _now_. I’m your new mom now,” Natsuki said matter-of-factly, wiping away some of the tears on her face as she sat up as well. Sayori laughed again, and as she did she heard a very familiar laugh from behind her. She turned around to see perhaps the most beautiful girl in the entire world, Monika, standing a few feet away from the couch. Sayori was about to get up, but Monika motioned for her to remain sitting.

“Stay put. I’m joining the couch pile,” she said with a warm smile, leaning over the couch to hug Sayori from behind before walking around to the other side of the couch. Sayori scooted over to give her spot to sit in between her and Yuri, but Monika seemingly had other ideas as she plopped into her lap. Sayori had to contain herself from squealing in surprise as Monika wrapped her arms around her stomach, this time from the front, and buried her head into the crook of her neck. Yuri looked on with a small smirk as Natsuki scoffed.

“Hey, PDA!” Natsuki shouted loudly as she attempted to push Monika off of her. Monika raised an eyebrow and stuck her tongue out at her as she got off of Sayori’s lap, but still keeping an arm around her waist (incidentally making her very happy).

“Everything okay, my darling?” Monika asked quietly in her ear, looking over at her as a hint of concern crossed her face. Wordlessly, Sayori smiled and nodded, causing Monika to beam back at her as the arm gripping her side tightened comfortably. Sayori leaned into her touch, and as she rested her head on her girlfriend’s shoulder, everything felt…right.

Of course, as the group settled down, they had a very serious conversation about the future of the Literature Club, and their friendship, and all of the emotions that they were feeling right then. And, because of course they did, the rainclouds did come back, casting doubts on most of the happy thoughts Sayori was having. But, at the same time, something miraculous had happened. For the first time, she felt confident about a few things. She felt confident that her friends really cared about her and were not staying around her merely out of pity. She felt confident that she was loved by them.

And Sayori was confident that she was going to get better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the next chapter! Again, SUPER sorry for the wait on this one. I had exams, and then I had trouble finding out how I wanted to tackle this chapter. I hope you think my Natsuki and Yuri in this chapter is okay, I went back and forth many times on how I wanted to write them once they found out about Sayori's attempt but I ended up settling on this.
> 
> Also, I've decided that this story is only going to be two more chapters long. I love love LOVE writing Monika/Sayori, but I feel like this fic is already getting a little repetitive. I feel like two more chapters is just the right amount...plus I also came up with a Natsuki-centric fic after this is done, and the more I develop the story in my head the more I can't wait to write it! I'm really excited for it, so expect it sometime after I'm done with this fanfiction! I will try my best to get them out as soon as I can.
> 
> Anyway, please let me know if you liked this chapter! I always love reading comments :)


	6. Sealing the Deal

The plain, decoration-less lobby was a little cold, but not entirely uncomfortable. Monika was seated in a small, metal chair with cushions on the arms, back, and bottom. Sayori sat next to her, anxiously tapping her feet on the ground as the two waited. The two were absentmindedly holding hands, something that usually helped calm down Sayori but it didn’t seem to be working in this instance. Sayori was far too fidgety, and Monika had a pretty good idea why.

Telling Yuri and Natsuki about everything had turned out to be a very good decision, and not only because they ended up being very supportive of Sayori. Yuri had apparently had a _very_ productive talk with Sayori, and she had later given her one very important suggestion: therapy. It was something that Monika had definitely been thinking about ever since the morning she had found her, and after talking some about it, they were all finally able to convince her girlfriend that it was the right thing to do. And so, here they were four days later: Monika was waiting with Sayori for her first therapy session since the incident. And it was easy to tell that Sayori was nervous.

Sayori had definitely improved since Monday, but mornings were rough for her. She never felt like getting up, and Monika, who was more than happy to just lie in bed with her, would say that it wasn’t that big of a deal if they took another recovery day away from school. Well, that extra recovery day had turned into a recovery week break from school. Mainly, the two of them just stayed inside snuggling, watching Netflix, and cooking for each other (Sayori was getting to be a good cook!). Sayori would usually begin to feel better as each day progressed, and Yuri and Natsuki visiting after school most days certainly helped. But mornings were _not_ her time of day.

Monika knew that they both needed to get back to school. She could take a sick week, but Sayori’s grades would suffer. The sleepyhead usually slept in too late and missed most of her morning classes already, and so this past week almost certainly harmed her performance in her classes. But Monika also knew how hard school was for Sayori…and after such a traumatic event, it would be hard for her, too. She just wanted Sayori in a place where she knew she was safe, at least for a while. In her apartment, Monika could keep her protected, and she _was_ improving. The topic of school would come back up eventually, but Sayori’s mental health and wellbeing needed to come first.

Sayori sighed as she rested her head on Monika’s shoulder, still holding tightly onto her hand. Monika smiled. She almost leaned her head down to kiss her on her…nope, no. Sayori still wasn’t comfortable with that yet. It was getting harder and harder to restrain herself from kissing her, but she knew how to handle it.

Instead, she decided to talk to her. Leaning her head down, Monika whispered close to her.

“You feeling okay?”

Sayori stiffened a little bit, but she nodded against her shoulder. “Just nervous,” she muttered quietly. Her leg was bobbing up and down slightly as she sat, a nervous tick that Monika had only noticed over the past couple of days.

“It’ll be okay,” Monika said quietly. “Just…be open with them. It’s their job not to judge you, they just listen.” Leaning back in her seat, she let go of her hand and reached her arm around, hanging it loosely around Sayori’s shoulder. She blushed, looking around them. Monika frowned. She supposed that the two of them hadn’t really gone outside of the apartment since getting together, but the need to physically protect her was almost instinctual at this point. Honestly, Monika didn’t care how many looks the two of them got in the therapist’s lobby – as long as Sayori was okay. And it’s not like those who would be here are the judgmental type, anyway.

The door to the office behind them opened, and both girls’ heads turned. Someone was walking out, and an older, forty-something year-old woman poked her head out. “Sayori?” she called. Sayori glanced back at Monika nervously, who moved her arm away from her. Giving her a weak, forced smile that always pained Monika to see, Sayori got up slowly, walking towards the office where the door closed behind her.

Monika sighed deeply, resting her head in her hands as she slumped over in her seat. After everything, it had been a long, long week. Sometimes blissful; even incredibly so. The moments that Monika spent waking up with Sayori in her arms in the mornings as the two of them lied in bed, knowing that she was protected and _safe_ …the only thing in the world she would trade for that would be for Sayori to not be going through any of this in the first place. Seeing how she had healed over the past few days gave her hope that she would recover sooner rather than later…it was inspirational, in a way. Sayori’s quiet strength in all of this was a constant inspiration to Monika, in fact.

But that didn’t mean that there weren’t times that were hard…in fact, there was a lot that was hard about all of this. Sayori’s mood swings during a single day were frequent and often hard to predict; one moment, she would be excitedly talking with Monika about a new cupcake recipe that Natsuki had given them, and then the next, she would be bursting into tears. She rarely got angry, and if she ever snapped at Monika she would immediately follow it up with an unnecessarily long apology. She just got sad and worn out a lot, which had prevented them from going to school this past week.

Monika always tried her best to cheer her up…but sometimes her best simply wasn’t enough. She wanted to believe that Sayori was improving for the better. With some help, she was able to make breakfast in the mornings. But the fact that she still sometimes broke down sobbing randomly made Monika feel like sometimes she wasn’t helping at all…after all, Yuri had helped her quite a lot through “sharing a similar experience” with her, as Sayori vaguely put it. She didn’t exactly know what that meant, but because she often felt so out of her depth in dealing with depression that Monika couldn’t help but think that maybe Yuri was more equipped with helping her. Yuri had suggested seeing a therapist, after all; not Monika.

As Monika was deep in thought, it seemed like Sayori was having a productive session in the office – or at least Monika certainly hoped, judging from the time she had been inside. After quite a fair amount of time had passed with her just sitting in the lobby by her lonesome, the therapist’s door opened and out poked the head of that same therapist once again.

“Monika? Would you mind coming in here for a moment with us?”

Startled, Monika glanced around the small waiting room. Well, she didn’t see any other Monika sitting around, or anyone else that the therapist might have mistaken for Monika. Slowly, she got up and followed the therapist into her office…where a familiar sight greeted her: a teary-eyed Sayori sitting down on the couch. Although this time, the couch was far from familiar to her.

Of course, it didn’t need to be said that she immediately sprung into action, sitting down next quickly and, without a moment’s hesitation, hugging her tightly. It was never a task that Monika disliked doing…not only did she jump on any excuse she could to hug her, but Sayori often felt a little bit better afterwards. Sniffling a little bit, Sayori smiled shyly at her as she tried to wipe her eyes. That was the first phase of comforting: trying to calm her down. The second phase was, of course, talking to her…the part that Monika always felt useless.

“Shhh…what’s wrong?” Monika asked worriedly, looking over at her. But as the therapist walked into the room, she couldn’t help but glance over at her. Had…had she caused anything to happen to her precious cinnamon bun (a name she had grown fond of calling her, for some reason)?

“I’m okay, Moni,” Sayori whispered, hugging her back tightly. There was still that same small, vulnerable smile on her face as the therapist sat down across from them. Both of them turned their attention away from each other and towards the older woman as she cleared her throat.

“Monika, my name is Ms. Amano. I hope it isn’t too much of a burden for you to be in here with us for the last part of our session,” she said, looking over at the couple. “Sayori was explaining her relationship with you, and I think it would be important to include you in this discussion.”

Monika glanced over at Sayori, who nodded shyly in agreement. “Okay, absolutely…whatever you think is best,” she said politely.

Ms. Amano smiled, adjusting her glasses slightly. “Well, first of all, as I told Sayori earlier, I agree with your assessment of her. As long as she stays with you and has people close to her watching over her, then I personally see no reason why she shouldn’t be staying with you. In some cases, hospitalization can cause a feeling of even more isolation, and so the fact that she’s now living with someone she trusts is a good thing.”

“Oh…” Monika sighed in relief. She was glad that she had at least done something right. “Good. Thanks.” Ms. Amano smiled politely in response.

“That being said, I would like to get a little more of an insight into you,” Ms. Amano said, letting her notebook rest gently on her lap. “I want to know: why didn’t you move her to a care facility after you found her? What made you decide to take care of her personally?”

Monika furrowed her brow, taken off guard by the question. “I…what do you mean?” she asked. “I thought you said that it was alright for Sayori to stay with me.”

“I did, but surely the thought must have crossed your mind to put her into other hands?” the therapist prodded. “After all, taking care of someone 24/7, who experiences mood swings and depressive episodes regularly, is certainly exhausting, isn’t it?”

“I…” Monika trailed off quickly, glancing over at Sayori. She had an expression that was hard to place. Her lip was bit slightly in…anticipation? Was she nervous about what she had to say? Monika would be lying if she said that taking care of her, at times, wasn’t exhausting. But…

“I wouldn’t trade it for the world,” she said honestly, sitting up a little straighter. “I love her…you,” Monika said, turning over to Sayori. “The moment after I found you…I just didn’t want you to be alone. I wanted to be with you, to take care of you until you’re all better and you could take care of yourself. I still hold true to that, without a shadow of a doubt.” Sayori gave her a small, weak smile that would have made Monika weak to her knees if she had been standing.

“So, it isn’t difficult at all, looking after her?”

Monika turned her attention back to the therapist, a small frown forming on her lips. Monika wasn’t sure exactly what she was getting at…but she _was_ a professional. Maybe there was some underlying importance to the question. “No, I never said that. But it doesn’t matter,” she replied, slightly curtly. “I can manage. Sayori’s the priority here, not me.”

“W-what??” Monika turned towards the girl next to her. She had a shocked, if not horrified expression on her face. “Moni, of course you’re a priority!”

“I…” Monika trailed off, taken off guard. Had she said something wrong? “Sayori, we’ve been over this. You matter more to me than anyone on this earth. You’re too selfless. After everything that happened, you need to let other people take care of you, too.”

“I think what Sayori’s trying to say, Monika, is that this same criticism could just as easily be applied to you,” Ms. Amano interjected calmly, getting both girls’ attention again. “Of course, this was a traumatic event for her. But it was also a traumatic event for you as well, no?”

“I…” Monika shut up, thinking very carefully about what she wanted to say. “Yes, it was. I…but this therapy session is for Sayori, it isn’t for me.”

“Monika, we’re in a relationship!” Sayori said insistently, almost as if she were offended. “Both of us are supposed to matter! Me being the only one who takes up time and energy makes me only feel more…” she paused, struggling to find the right word. “Guilty.”

“Sayori is absolutely right,” Ms. Amano said, as Monika turned to her with a furrowed brow. “In any relationship, whether it be platonic or romantic, it is important that each partner’s voice is heard and that they take care of each other. I _do_ understand that Sayori may be in the more emotionally precarious situation here, but your feelings still matter. And I think it would benefit both you and her if you aired them out here, in this open session.”

Monika sealed her lips closed once again. She really didn’t know what to say. So much of her time had been devoted to making sure everything she said around Sayori was okay, to make sure that her needs were taken care of, that she never really had a moment to process everything herself. But now, two sets of eyes were on her: those of her girlfriend, and those of a therapist who would likely psycho-analyze everything that she said.

Monika softened her expression, sighing as she gathered her thoughts. She had only really elaborated on what she had been feeling right after everything happened, and even then, she had really only used adjectives like “upset” and “sad.” So…what _did_ she feel? Well…

“I feel…” she started to say, closing her eyes and not looking at either the therapist or Sayori. “Most of the time I just feel useless. I try to keep myself composed for your sake, but I have no idea what I’m doing. I have no idea if what I’m doing is helping you or making you feel worse, and that feeling of doubt and uncertainty is…it’s one of the worst feelings ever.”

“Sayori mentioned that you had planned everything out the day you found her to ask her out,” Ms. Amano said. Monika opened her eyes, looking over at her. “Would it be fair to describe you as a planner?”

Monika nodded. “I suppose…I like to be absolutely certain about things,” she admitted. She glanced over at Sayori, who was remaining quiet as she studied her worriedly. “I mean…it took me two years to confess to you, and I already knew that I loved you the minute I first laid eyes on you.” Sayori gave her a small smile, sniffling a little bit. It might have been perceived as a joke or an exaggeration to most people, but to Monika it was the unadulterated truth. “I only decided to tell you when I was nearly absolutely certain you reciprocated, and I just…” she gulped. “I planned out _everything_ for the festival. Every single detail. And now…I just feel so lost. I didn’t plan for this. I don’t know what to do, Sayo. It might feel like it at some times to you, but I really don’t.”

“Moni…” Sayori said, frowning. She reached over to grab her hand, which Monika hadn’t realized had been shaking. Usually this was reversed. “Do you really think you’re not helping me? Because you help me so, so much. Don’t think for a second that I’m not better off with you.”

“That’s…good to hear. Really,” Monika insisted, trying to smile at her girlfriend. But something still didn’t sit right, and the hesitance that was present in her voice gave her away. “But…I still am constantly second-guessing myself. I know you’re improving because you tell me that you’re improving, but I’m never able to know how much because I can’t get inside your head. Do you even still…” her eyes widened. Her brain had just caught up with her mouth, and she realized what question she was going to ask her. And there was no way she could ask her that.

But unfortunately, she had already started the question, and Sayori’s eyes were on her. “Do I even still what?” she asked.

Monika darted her eyes over to the therapist, whose lips were closed tightly. She nodded at her to continue.

“Do you…” Monika started to say, taking a deep, shuddering breath. “Do you still want to die?”

Sayori’s eyes widened, and Monika immediately regretted asking the question. Her brain panicked. This was it. This was the moment that she screwed up beyond repair, she thought to herself. She wasn’t like Yuri – Yuri would have known not to ask such a stupid question. Why did she do that?? Asking someone who was suicidal if they still wanted to die? That was sure to trigger her. Monika forced herself to look over at Sayori, whose body was shaking by this point. And meanwhile, as Sayori gulped and tried to respond, Ms. Amano regarded her calmly, not even batting an eye towards the question.

“Moni…I-I’ve already told you that I won’t try that again…” Sayori said quietly.

“But that’s not what she asked,” Ms. Amano said gently. “It’s not about whether you will try it again or not. If you could achieve the result without the process, would you?”

The room was silent. Sayori opened her mouth, then closed it, as Monika watched her in suspense. She wasn’t crying anymore – neither of them was. After a long pause, Sayori opened her mouth again to answer the lingering question. “I…I don’t know.”

Monika’s regrets towards asking the question were only reinforced.

The rest of the therapy session was a bit of a blur to Monika, although to be fair, it wasn’t that long anyway – it was only supposed to be an hour, and because Ms. Amano had other clients, their time was up. The rest of the session was mainly Ms. Amano talking to the both of them, but mainly Sayori, about setting up future therapy sessions…or at least Monika thought. Her mind was still trapped in that moment: when Sayori said “I don’t know.” If she said yes or no, Monika would have been able to plan her reactions accordingly; but an I don’t know might have been the scariest response from her.

The two of them didn’t talk much as they both went back to the car and drove back to her home. Sayori seemed emotionally drained, and in fairness, so was Monika. She just really, really hoped that she was still doing the right thing.

* * *

 

 

It was two days later, and they still hadn’t talked about the therapy session.

Well, they had talked about it a little bit, but not as much as Monika would have liked. When she asked her how she thought the therapy session went, Sayori said she thought it was okay, but didn’t elaborate. Monika tried to apologize for putting her on the spot like that, but Sayori wouldn’t hear of it, saying that she shouldn’t be sorry for anything. And then, for the rest of the weekend, she just clamped up. She didn’t try to talk through her feelings or anything else that went on during the session.

Monika had a pretty good idea why she was so silent, however; she was nervous for the beginning of the week. After all, they had both agreed that on Monday, they would be returning to school for the first time in over a week. To be honest, Monika was nervous to go back, too…from what Yuri and Natsuki had said, a lot of people had been talking about their disappearance. Even though their club was small, their absence at the festival was noticeable, and after neither girl showed up at school for the entire week, it had become apparent that people were talking. Monika couldn’t care less what this would do to her reputation – what she _was_ worried about was how Sayori would handle the rumors that were probably currently creating a tropical storm across the school.

Yuri and Natsuki had told Monika privately that no one knew the actual truth, but many of the more “popular” girls were already saying very nasty things about them – particularly Sayori. Damn high school gossip. Monika would definitely be sure to have a chat with some of them.

The two of them were walking into school that morning, and Monika could tell that Sayori was having a hard time. As she walked next to her in the hallways, she was completely silent, looking around everywhere with a frightened expression as if her own shadow was about to reach out from behind her and grab her. It was…different than what Monika was used to seeing. After all, she only knew about Sayori’s depression a week ago when it all came to a head.

Monika wondered whether Sayori had her mask on right now: on the one hand, she was so used to wearing it and hiding her depression every day at school that Monika thought she might slip back into that routine. Fortunately for her, she had gotten better at seeing past Sayori’s mask once she had acknowledged that it was there. But on the other hand, Monika knew that going back to school was going to be stressful for her, and maybe Sayori didn’t have the energy to slip back into that routine. But at this point, Monika couldn’t really tell where the mask was on or off to the rest of the world; all she was able to see was the tragically beautiful Sayori with a metaphorical raincloud hanging over her head.

Another thing Monika wished she could do was hold her hand…but Sayori had told her the other day that outside of the house, she wasn’t sure about public displays of affection like that. She didn’t elaborate on why, but Monika would obviously respect her decision.

“Just breathe, okay? This is like any other normal school day,” Monika whispered next to her in an attempt to comfort her. Sayori, fidgeting with her hands, glanced over at her and gave an attempt at a smile. Monika sighed inwardly. Because neither of them had classes together, it would be more difficult to comfort her. But thankfully, Sayori did have most of her classes with Natsuki or Yuri…both of whom were approaching the incognito couple at that moment.

“Yooooo! Mama Natsuki’s in the hooouse!” Said…Mama Natsuki…as a greeting. Last week, she had made a passing joke about being Sayori’s new mother, but it was slowly becoming less and less of a joke. Was Natsuki overcompensating for blowing up at Sayori over the attempt? Yeah, sure, maybe a little. But Sayori seemed to like it, and Monika thought it was kind of funny as well. For ages, Sayori had been the one to make sure Natsuki was eating something at lunch and didn’t swear…now, Natsuki was asking her what she had for breakfast, if she needed help on homework, if there were any bullies at school that needed being taken care of once she returned. And Monika thought that _she_ was protective of Sayori.

Sayori chuckled nervously, a small smile on her face as they approached them. “H-hey—” she started to say in a hoarse voice, before clearing it. “Hey guys!”

“Hey yourself,” Natsuki said, smirking a little bit as she patted Sayori on the back. She glanced over at Monika. “Not to worry, ma’am, your girlfriend is safe with me.”

Sayori nearly yelped, blushing deeply as she whined. “Naaaaat! K-keep your voice down!” she said. “We don’t want anyone to know about that yet!”

Monika smiled. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. _Sayori_ didn’t want anyone to know about it yet. Monika wanted to scream from every balcony and rooftop she could find that Sayori was hers. But Sayori’s request for privacy, of course, came first.

“Okay, whatever,” Natsuki said, shrugging somewhat gruffly as she grabbed onto Sayori’s arm, pulling her away. “Come on then. I need to catch you up on the last week of Statistics, so let’s get to it!” Sayori still seemed a little startled but somewhat more relieved as Natsuki lightened the mood; she was now playfully groaning as Natsuki brought up math, which was her least favorite subject.

“I’ll see you at lunch, Sayori!” Monika called out to the girl as she was being dragged away from her. Sayori shot a glance in her direction one last time before the two girls went down the hallway. Sighing, Monika leaned against the wall. Outside of her last class (Chemistry) before lunch, Sayori would be having classes with either Natsuki or Yuri (or, for History, both). At this point in the school day, Monika would probably be planning her day out in her head for what classes she would have to prepare for, what homework she should get out, if she had any quizzes she needed to take…but her mind was perpetually stuck on her troubled girlfriend.

“Erm, Monika?” Said girl jumped a little bit, looking next to her to realize that Yuri still hadn’t left. She smiled in relief.

“Hello, Yuri. What’s up?” Monika asked. Yuri twirled her long, purple hair with her hands; a telltale sign that she had something serious on her mind.

“I, ah…” Yuri started to say, trailing off nervously before starting to speak again. “L-listen, I’m sure that you know Sayori’s schedule just as well as we do, but the last class before lunch she has alone.” Yuri paused, and Monika nodded patiently. She continued. “I, uh, I know that this day will probably be difficult for her, and so I just wanted to tell you that if she doesn’t show up during lunch after a certain amount of time, check the bathrooms.”

Monika blinked, furrowing her brow in confusion. “The bathrooms?”

Yuri nodded. “I, erm, that tends to be where she goes whenever she has a breakdown at school…usually in a bathroom that any of our peers frequently use. I know this because…” Yuri stopped abruptly, looking uncomfortable as she twirled her hair. “Well, it isn’t really relevant at the current moment. I just know that if she does have a breakdown, you will likely be the only one to calm her down.”

“Oh…” Monika said, surprised by the last comment. “Surely…surely you would be able to calm her down as well, right? I mean, after last week with Natsuki, you did a very good job…”

Yuri smiled sadly, shaking her head. “Monika, as far as helping Sayori is concerned, no one would ever be able to compare to you. The rest of us can only do so much. Surely you would have learned this by now?”

Monika opened her mouth and then closed it in even more surprise as the statement sunk in. After Yuri had calmed Sayori down last week, and especially after the therapy session when she vocalized her fears, Monika just felt uneasy about how much she was able to help her. If anyone, she would have thought Yuri would have the most positive effect on her girlfriend. But before she was able to properly respond, the bell rang, signaling the start of classes.

“I…thank you, Yuri. I’ll check the bathrooms,” Monika said briskly. “I’ll see you at lunch.” Yuri nodded, walking away as Monika made her way over towards her first period class, with her backpack full of a week’s worth of school supplies slugged over her shoulder. And despite knowing that she should be focusing on the class lectures, seeing as how she had missed an entire week of classes, her mind could not help going back to Sayori, hoping that she was doing alright now. Those feelings only intensified during the last class before lunch; the one time that Sayori would not have Yuri or Natsuki around her during class. Monika kept on meticulously checking her phone to make sure her girlfriend wasn’t texting her…but there was nothing. She didn’t know whether that was a good thing or a bad thing.

Gradually, at a snail’s pace, lunch finally creeped around. Monika left her dull, uninteresting classroom and waited outside of the lunch hall. Five minutes, she told herself. Five minutes until she would go out and take Yuri’s advice. She would tear apart every single girls’ bathroom if she had to in order to make sure Sayori was okay. Maybe even a few boys’ bathrooms, too, just to be safe.

“Oh, Monika! You’re back!”

Monika whipped around. Shit. A gaggle of girls was approaching her – Monika remembered them from her old debate club. They were some of the more popular girls at school, as well as one of the most gossipy and annoying groups of people that she had the displeasure of knowing. They were also, unfortunately, the main group of people she had associated herself with before leaving the debate team in order to start a smaller club with Sayori’s help – a decision she would never, ever regret.

There had never been a major falling out with this group after she left…but Monika still hated them, mainly because of the petty rumors and gossip they would spread around the school. When Yuri and Natsuki had told her about the rumors being spread about her and Sayori, she only assumed that these people were the source of them. So they were kind of the last people she wanted to be talking to at the moment.

“Where were you all of last week? You weren’t in any of your classes!” said one of the smaller girls – Monika forgot her name. She knew that none of them really cared where she was – all they wanted was a juicy detail to spread across the school.

Monika forced a smile, looking at them curtly. “I realize. I was sick all of last week. Caught the flu, silly me!” That was the excuse both she and Sayori had agreed upon. She hoped that would be enough for them to lose interest and leave. But given what she had heard from Yuri and Natsuki earlier…

“Aww, that’s too bad!” said one of the girls in mock-sympathy. These people were about as transparent as a fish bowl. “But wait, wasn’t Sayori absent from class all last week too? Did she have the flu also?”

Monika gritted her teeth. “I don’t know. That’s definitely possible. I just don’t know.”

“Oh, come on, surely you know? You two are close friends, aren’t you?”

Monika glanced over at the clock on the wall across from her. Four minutes had passed, and Sayori was still nowhere to be seen. Close enough. Anything to get away from these idiots.

“I have to go,” Monika said abruptly, turning on her heels and walking away from the cafeteria, leaving the clique of girls watching her stunned.

“But…aren’t you gonna get lunch??” One of them sputtered, but Monika really couldn’t care less what they were thinking. She needed to find Sayori. After speed-walking across the hall, she turned the corner and then immediately checked the first stall she could find. No Sayori. She sighed, trying to think.

Sayori’s last class before lunch was Chemistry, and the laboratory for that was across the courtyard of the school and at the end of one of the hallways. Right across from the lab was a bathroom. It was almost always empty, and since it was far away from the cafeteria, rarely anyone was ever in there. If there was a place Sayori would want privacy in order to have a mental breakdown, it would be there. Knowing that she had no time to lose, Monika nearly sprinted towards the other side of the school.

Out of breath and hunched over, she finally arrived at the end of the hallway. She looked around. Hardly anyone was there, everyone making their way over to lunch. Cautiously, Monika approached the door to the bathroom. On the one hand, she hoped that Sayori wasn’t having a mental breakdown in the bathroom, but on the other hand, if she was having a mental breakdown somewhere in the school, she wanted her to be here so she could be there for her. Taking a deep breath, she gently opened the door.

“Sayori?” Monika called out, poking her head through the crack in the door. Sure enough, from one of the stalls, she heard the sniffling of stifled tears. Almost immediately, though, whoever was in the stall tried to silence herself. Monika walked fully into the bathroom and closed the door. “It’s just me, darling. Please come out.”

Again, there was silence. Monika could hear that there was definitely someone in the stall, and she was confident at this point that that someone was Sayori. Sighing, Monika leaned against the wall opposite the stall and sat down on the floor, laying her backpack down on the tiled floor. “I’ll just be right here, okay?” Monika called out, talking to the door of the stall. “I…I’m not leaving without you. But you can take your time.”

From inside the stall, Monika heard a shuddering sigh, and then the shuffling of feet as someone stood up. As the lock to the stall door unclicked, it was pushed open by a puffy-eyed, shaking Sayori, who staggered out with wide, fearful eyes. Monika, perking her head up, was about to make a move to stand up to come to her, but before she could her girlfriend had already rushed over to her and collapsed onto the floor on top of her, curling up into a ball with her head in her lap and whimpering. Monika, not knowing what else to do, combing her hands through the girl’s hair in order to try to comfort her, gently shushing her.

“Sayori…what’s wrong, baby?” Monika asked, looking down at her girlfriend in concern. Yuri and her gut had been right: coming back to school had been really hard on her today.

“I-I-I…” Sayori hiccupped, still sobbing in her lap. “I-I’m sorry y-you have to see me like this…”

Monika frowned, cupping Sayori’s cheek so she could try to move her head up. She couldn’t help but feel a little hurt by that. “Sayori, why would you say that? I want to know if you’re feeling like this, always…that’s what we agreed to, remember?”

Reluctantly, Sayori nodded into her hand, sniffling. “B-but…i-it’s different here at school, right?” she asked quietly, causing Monika to furrow her brow. “I-I mean, comforting the depressed girl at school probably isn’t the best way to be spending your lunchtime…you could be spending time with anyone else right now…”

“Like who? My _lovely_ former clubmates of the Debate Team?” Monika asked sarcastically, scoffing quietly to herself. “And as much as I love Natsuki and Yuri, it would still feel weird to be a third wheel with just me,” she joked. That got Sayori to smile a little bit.

“But Moni, you’re one of the most popular girls here…and it’s not like people weren’t spreading rumors about me, even before this,” Sayori said quietly, sighing. “Being with me…it’s only gonna drag you down to my level.”

“Is that why you didn’t want to hold hands on our way in here? Because of me?” Monika asked, frowning. “Sayo, I always want to be wherever you are. I don’t care if it’s in the bathroom across from the Chemistry lab or at the highest peak of the tallest mountain, or at home under three layers of blankets. I could care less about my reputation at this school, we don’t have many more months with these people anyway! I love _you_ , and as long as I’m with you then I don’t care what other people think about me.”

Sayori sighed. “I know…I feel the same, but…I just can’t help but keep on feeling guilty about all of this.” Sayori sat up, sitting cross-legged across from Monika on the floor. Monika straightened up a little bit as well as she was reminded about the therapy session over the weekend: Sayori had said the same thing. “I love you, but…every time you make me feel a little better, I can’t help but feel a little guiltier knowing that you’re giving all this energy and I’m just taking it and giving you nothing in return…I’m sorry, I know you have enough problems looking after me already. I should just stop talki—”

“No!” Monika said abruptly, interrupting her without necessarily meaning to. Obviously, in her mind, there was no reason for Sayori to feel guilty…but it’s not like she could control how she felt. Once again, Monika felt totally at a loss as to how to comfort her. She sighed. “You should never feel guilty about something like that, but…what can I do to make you feel not as guilty?”

Sayori paused, looking down at her lap for a moment before moving her head up to look back at Monika. “Talk about you. Talk about what makes you happy.”

Monika tilted her head, looking over at her girlfriend curiously. “What makes _me_ happy?” she repeated, pondering the thought. “Well, making a certain little cinnamon bun happy makes me happy.”

“No! I mean outside of that,” Sayori insisted with an exasperated smile, grabbing Monika’s hands. “Assume I’m already happy and everything’s okay. Let’s pretend that I didn’t have any depression and you didn’t need to look after me. What would make you happy then?”

“I…” Monika paused, thinking of what would be an appropriate response to her question. What would make her happy? Sure, she had hobbies: reading, writing poetry, playing the piano…but whenever she tried to picture them, something always felt a little off. Every scenario felt incomplete from achieving real happiness because it was missing one particular person who was always there, smiling and cheering her on from the sidelines. Once she added this person into the picture, however, she really did feel like doing anything would make her happy.

“You. You make me happy,” Monika said, a fond smile forming on her lips as she squeezed Sayori’s hands. “Whether I’m watching a movie with you at home, or playing a song on the piano for you, or anything, really…as long as you’re by my side, I feel happy. And if you’re already happy, then that gives me another excuse to try to make you even happier. I don’t see looking after you as something that detracts from my own happiness, it makes me feel happier.”

Sayori smiled slightly, looking down again in embarrassment as her cheeks flushed. “You’re so silly, Moni…I don’t even know why you put in this much effort into me.”

“Why wouldn’t I? You’re amazing!”

“But I’m so…you put in all of this work into making me feel better, and you don’t even get that much in return!” Sayori said, sighing. “I mean…we haven’t even kissed or done anything yet…” she added quietly as a blush returned to her face. Monika’s eyes widened as her cheeks flushed as well.

Of course, Monika didn’t have to be reminded of all of the times that she had tried to restrain herself from kissing Sayori…or had thought about doing anything else. There were far too many. Even now, she felt herself drifting towards her…but no, Monika had to be responsible. Right now, she needed to say that she would only ever want to kiss Sayori if she _wanted_ to be kissed, and that she shouldn’t feel pressured into anything if she wasn’t ready yet.

But as she began to open her mouth, the two girls both stiffened up as they heard multiple pairs of footsteps walking down the hall, and they were getting louder. Monika froze as she recognized a few of the voices: “Are you _sure_ Monika went here?” “Trust me, I _definitely_ saw her come down here.”

Monika swore in her head. It was the debate club girls who had stopped her at lunch. They must have been following her. “I dunno, I don’t see her anywhere here…why would she be here anyway?” “Maybe she’s in the bathroom?” _Shit._ Monika glanced over at Sayori, who looked like she was about to bolt. Her blush from earlier had paled away and now her face was a deathly white. Her eyes were still red and puffy, and it was obvious that she had been crying. It was too late to hide: in a few seconds, the gossipiest group of people would open that bathroom door, and within an hour the news of Sayori, someone who was already having nasty rumors spread around by these people, having a panic attack would have spread across the entire school.

Monika knew she needed to do something. So, she followed the first suggestion that came into her head. Without even thinking, she leaned over and kissed Sayori firmly on the lips.

Sayori jumped, but quickly relaxed as Monika closed her eyes. She heard the door open and gasps coming from the open door, but Monika was beyond caring at this point. She was too caught up in the kiss to be able to comprehend pretty much any thought at the moment. As she pulled away, the bathroom door had closed again, and she heard the sounds of the girls’ footsteps running away from them.

It was only as she pulled back that Monika’s brain fully registered what her body had just done. And as she opened her eyes, she saw that Sayori was looking at her in shock, her jaw dropped to the ground and her beautiful, blue eyes as wide as saucers. Monika’s brain jumpstarted itself as she tried to desperately explain herself.

“I, ahh, I-I’m sorry!!! I didn’t mean to—I mean, I did mean to do that, but it’s, ah, it was because I heard those girls coming and I didn’t want anymore gossip about you, so if they saw _me_ kissing you then that means most of the gossip will be about me, but that doesn’t excuse myself for doing that without asking you, I’m so so sorr—”

Suddenly, Monika found herself being interrupted by Sayori this time around as her girlfriend quickly closed the space in between them, kissing her on the lips again. Monika squeaked in surprise, the blush on her cheeks becoming even more prominent before she allowed herself to kiss her back. Once she was able to fully immerse herself into it…the kiss was the most magical thing she had ever experienced in her entire life. As the two girls pulled away from one another, Monika opened her eyes once again to see the largest grin she thought she had ever seen on Sayori’s face.

“Was that…okay?” Sayori asked, giggling as she reached a hand up to cover her massive smile. Monika blinked, her brain working overtime to try to form a coherent sentence.

“Uhhh…y-yes! More than okay! Amazing! Wonderful!” Monika stuttered, trying to gather her scattered thoughts before she matched Sayori with an equally-wide smile on her face. “But…are you sure you’re okay with that?”

“Yeah, of course, you sillyhead!” Sayori said, laughing as she rolled her head back. “I always wanted to do that…I guess I just got scared at the idea of it beforehand, eheh…but I loved it! I just can’t believe you kissed me in front of those other girls…”

“Only to serve as a distraction, dear,” Monika cooed, kissing her on the cheek. “And also, because, well…I’ve been really wanting to do that too, since forever. I’m worried that I won’t be able to stop now…are you still sure you want this? This is your last chance to back out,” she joked, a wry smile on her face. Sayori rolled her eyes.

“Yes, I’m sure, Moni…” Sayori started to say, and that was all the confirmation that Monika needed to begin to lunge forward to start kissing her again. But before she could reach her lips, Sayori lifted a finger up to block her. “But wait!” she said, giggling again. “There’s something important I need to tell you!”

Monika raised an eyebrow, leaning back a little bit as she observed her. “Okay, I’m listening…what is it?”

Sayori smiled gently. “I…I thought about it, after you just kissed me. And I…I made up my mind. The answer to your question from earlier is no.”

“No? To what?”

“No…I don’t want to die,” Sayori said quietly, leaning over to rest her forehead against Monika’s. “I want to live. If life can make me feel like I did just now, then I want to be alive with you to experience more moments like this one.”

Monika’s eyes widened as she thought back to her question from the therapy session, and she felt tears of overwhelming joy prick at the corners of them. Rendered speechless once again, she reacted by closing her eyes as well as the gap between them. Sayori happily reciprocated, and as the two kissed each other for what would be the third time, for the first time in a while Monika was absolutely certain that she was doing the right thing. And she also had a sneaking suspicion that there would be many, many more kisses to follow this one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay okay, it's finally here: the penultimate chapter! First off, I am really, really sorry that this is so late. Over the past couple of months I have been taking very intensive summer college courses in a foreign country, and so it was not only incredibly draining emotionally but I also had very little time to work on any of the fanfictions I wanted to. I also hit a bit of a roadblock with this story for a little while, especially with the therapy scene, which also helps explain why this took TWO AND A HALF MONTHS to write. But here it is, finally! 
> 
> I'd like to give a MASSIVE thank you to everyone who has stuck with this story as patiently as they have, because I understand that there have been long gaps in updates. But I am going to really, really try to get the last chapter (which acts more like an epilogue than anything) out before the end of this month. I can't promise anything unfortunately, but just know that that is my goal! And after that, like I said, outside of another fanfiction that is currently in progress I have another DDLC fic that I have planned that will be longer than this one...although we'll see how that goes when I get to it :P Thanks again for reading, and let me know what you thought of this chapter!


	7. I Promise

Sayori awoke to the sound of multiple beeps of the alarm she set on her phone, and a long, sleepy groan from an unhappy girlfriend lying next to her in bed. Sitting up, Sayori quickly turned it off, slowly getting out of the bed. Unfortunately, Monika, who didn’t think it was time to get up yet, wrapped an arm around her stomach and forced her back to bed.

“Whu time iz it?” Monika asked groggily, still half-asleep as she cuddled into Sayori’s back. Smiling, Sayori turned over to look at the sleepy girl in the emerald-green pajamas. Her eyes were still closed. Sayori leaned over to her to kiss her on the forehead.

“Eight-thirty,” Sayori told her, causing Monika to groan again in tired frustration. It _was_ a Saturday, after all. “Go back to sleep, okay?”

“Mmmm, tha soundz nice…” Monika muttered sleepily, trying to pull Sayori closer to her chest. Sayori giggled, unwrapping herself from the girl as she scooted away.

Monika let out a frustrated, moping sound as she pulled away, obviously disappointed that Sayori wasn’t staying with her but not having the energy to protest with words. “Moni, you stay here. I’m going to make us breakfast, okay?” she said, sitting on the edge of the bed as she looked down at her. “You know how much extra time I need.” Monika, her head in her pillow, responded with a grunt, indicating that she would begrudgingly let her leave. Satisfied, Sayori stood up, walking over to the bathroom first to freshen up a little bit before grabbing her phone and walking into the kitchen.

Sayori felt a little bit guilty as she sat down on one of Monika’s stools in the kitchen, clutching her phone in her hand. The fact of the matter was, she hadn’t told Monika the whole truth. She _was_ going to be making the two of them breakfast this morning…but she didn’t need over an hour to make eggs and pancakes. With Monika (and also Natsuki)’s help, she had gotten pretty good at making some basic food. She even thought it was fun sometimes! But before making breakfast, she needed to do something really, really important; something that she had been putting off for far too long.

Opening up her contacts, her finger hovered over the phone number. Sayori began to have second-thoughts, instinctively retracting her finger from the screen, but she knew she had to do this. It was what her therapist had recommended, after all. Pressing down on the number, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, bringing the phone to her ear as she waited for it to pick up.

After a few rings, someone picked up. “Hello?” said the adult-female voice on the other end of the line. Sayori took a deep breath before speaking.

“H-hi Mom…it’s me, Sayori,” Sayori said nervously, her legs fidgeting on the stool. It had been maybe three months since she last initiated contact with either of her parents, and so calling her mother now felt…strange. But it was necessary.

“Oh, hello Sayori,” her mother said, and Sayori could tell that on the other end of the line, her mother was somewhat confused as to why her estranged daughter would be contacting her. But there was also something rather nonchalant about her voice – a stark contrast to Sayori’s jittery and hesitant tone. “How are you? I have to say, I’m a bit surprised to hear from you.”

“Umm, I’m doing fine. Good, actually, really good,” Sayori said, correcting herself. It was one month after her attempt, and she was actually feeling amazing compared to how she was feeling when the month started. Therapy had helped immensely in dealing with her depression, Natsuki and Yuri were deeply understanding of her plight and yet had proved not to treat her any differently, and then, of course, there was…Monika.

“Well, I’m happy to hear that,” her mother said. “Is there something you wanted, then? More money, perhaps?”

Sayori sighed silently. This was very expected of her parents. Neither of them was very good at actually “parenting”; not to say that they were neglectful, just that they would always think the easy solution to solving Sayori’s problems was to throw money at her and let her solve them herself. Even from a young age, it was obvious to her that they were much more engaged with work and each other than they ever were with her. That’s how Sayori ended up in her own house, with little contact with her parents. Sayori sometimes wished that she had an actual relationship with her parents, a feeling that she was able to air in her therapy sessions recently, but that wasn’t the topic at hand at the moment.

“No, I don’t need more money. I, umm…” Sayori trailed off, her mouth drying up.

_You have no obligation to tell them about the attempt if you don’t want to. Just focus on what is important._

That was what Ms. Amano had told her at her most recent session. A small, little raincloud scolded her for not being brave enough to talk about it with her mother, but at the end of the day, Sayori knew that it was her choice to share that information or not. “I just wanted to tell you that you can sell the house you gave me,” Sayori said, quickly moving on. “I’m, ah, living somewhere else now and I haven’t been there in a while. I really appreciate you giving me that place, but at this point it’s collecting dust when you could be making a profit off of it. I’m sorry for not telling you earlier.”

She had said it. Sayori held her breath as she waited for a response. “Oh, alright,” she heard her mom say on the other end. She seemed somewhat surprised. “May I ask where you are living right now?”

Sayori let out her breath, trying to gather up another bout of courage. “I’m living with my girlfriend,” she said bravely. Time seemed to stop as there was silence on both ends. Sayori nervously awaited her mom’s response – the sad fact of the matter was, she didn’t know either of her parents well enough to know what their views on same-sex relationships were.

“Oh, well, okay then,” her mother said on the other end of the line as time snapped back into place. “Thank you for letting me know. I’ll put it on the market.”

Sayori breathed a sigh of relief. “Okay, great. Sorry again for, uh, not letting you know sooner.”

“Sayori?”

Sayori froze again. “Y-yes?” she responded hesitantly.

“Are you happy?” her mother asked.

While this question may have seemed ordinary from any other parent, it certainly took Sayori off guard because it came from _her_ mom. She only ever really asked about material necessities; anything that had to do with happiness or sadness emotionally had always been overlooked. But as she took a moment to consider, Sayori decided to answer honestly. “Yes,” she said, smiling thoughtfully to herself. “I…some days are harder than others, but yes, I’m happy. I think I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time.”

There was another pause on the line before her mother responded again. “Good,” she said. “Well, I have to go now. It was nice talking to you, Sayori.”

“Okay…bye, Mom.” Click. Just as quickly as the conversation started, it had ended. Sayori put her phone down, realizing her hand was trembling ever so slightly. She had just told her mother that she had a girlfriend. And she reacted by…well, she didn’t react much at all. All things considered, she supposed she should have expected that…but as she took a deep breath to steady herself, that was the only thought that Sayori had in her head: she had just told her mother about her _girlfriend_.

Of course, her parents were likely the last people on the entire earth to know. Ever since Monika had kissed her in the bathroom during her breakdown, in front of the gossipiest group of girls in their school, practically everyone now knew about their relationship. Initially, Sayori had been apprehensive about becoming public mainly due to her fears of bringing down Monika’s reputation; but once Monika had convinced her that not only did being popular not matter to her in the slightest, but that she _wanted_ to share the news of their relationship to the whole school, then who would Sayori be to not oblige? And so, over the past month, this led to them being very public about their relationship, from holding hands in the hallways to kissing in rather public and unorthodox places. It was enough to make Natsuki and Yuri nearly give up on teasing them, mainly because it would only encourage them.

Still, however, she couldn’t help but feel a little excited to be telling someone else that she and Monika were a couple – especially when that person was her mother! Someone so close to her –

_Except she’s not close to you. At all._

Sayori sighed, having expected the rainclouds to pop up at some point.

 _And it’s not like she really cared at all about what you had to say. Do you really think that you would ever be able to_ actually _make either of them care about you? You can’t, because you’re a failure of a daughter._

Her therapist had told her that right after the call, this was likely to happen. Despite her progress over the past month, the rainclouds still hadn’t gone away. But thanks to therapy, she had gotten better at fighting them back – and in the back of her head, there was another, small little voice that wanted to remind her something.

_She asked you if you were happy._

Maybe it wasn’t much, but like she said, her parents weren’t always the best at _parenting_. And to ask her how she was really doing was a small victory for Sayori to let her know that her mother cared, in her distant, estranged way. It was the little victories that counted, and as Sayori smiled to herself, she knew that that little piece of motivation would be enough to pick herself up, shake off the rainclouds for a little bit, and make breakfast for themselves. After all, cooking was a pretty good coping mechanism and distraction to temporarily take her mind off of the bad things…she definitely understood why Natsuki liked it so much.

Sayori was alone for some time while she was making breakfast, but once the smell of freshly-baked pancakes and scrambled eggs began to waft through the apartment, she was able to hear the sound of Monika slowly getting up. Sure enough, pretty soon, her girlfriend wandered into the kitchen, wrapping her arms around Sayori’s waist as she stood behind her and kissed her cheek. Sayori, whose body was facing the stove, smiled warmly as Monika buried her head in the crook of her neck.

“Morning, sleepyhead,” Sayori chuckled, flipping over the pancake she had in her frying pan. Monika, despite the fact that she knew she was mostly awake at this point, groaned sleepily as she pouted.

“You woke up too early…” Monika mumbled, resting her chin on Sayori’s shoulder. “I wanted to lay in bed with you for another hour…or two…”

“Or three?” Sayori asked playfully, giggling. After living together for one month, her habit of sleeping in had seemed to rub off on Monika, who was once a very early riser but now liked to sleep in well into the late morning on weekends.

“That would have been perfect,” Monika said, grinning as she squeezed the sides of Sayori’s body, making her squirm to the side. Sayori tried to elbow her away, but not before Monika was able to turn her head and steal a quick kiss.

“Don’t distract me while I’m cooking!” Sayori whined, flustered as Monika backed away from her, a smirk on her face. She definitely seemed livelier now. She tried and failed to glare at her girlfriend, but it came out more like an embarrassed grin.

“Well? How much longer do you have?” Monika asked with amusement in her eyes, leaning against the counter. Sayori blinked, looking around the kitchen and realized that she was on her last pancake. Blushing, she lifted the pancake from the frying pan with a spatula and put it on a plate with the rest of them.

“I’m…actually done now. Ehehe,” Sayori laughed embarrassedly. Monika’s eyes lit up.

“Oh, good! So, now I can go back to being a distraction?” Monika asked, a confident smile on her face as she stepped closer to her, but Sayori blocked her with the spatula, pursing her lips.

“No!” Sayori insisted, resisting the compelling urge to let Monika distract her. “Now’s the time for breakfast, silly! The festival’s today, remember?”

Well, not really. The _real_ festival had been last month and she and Monika had missed it (for obvious reasons). But earlier this week, Natsuki had suggested that they just say “screw it” and prepare for their own, private festival at one of their houses. The idea had sounded appealing to everyone, marking a rare time when Yuri and Natsuki had been able to agree on anything; and so today was the morning of the Festival once more. Yuri and Natsuki were going to be coming over to Monika’s very soon with decorations and cupcakes, and then they’d basically do…not much, really. They hadn’t really planned that far ahead as a group. Although Sayori had something in mind that she wanted to do.

“Okay, fine,” Monika sighed dramatically, although she gave Sayori a jokey smile to let her know that she wasn’t that serious. As Sayori rolled her eyes, she grabbed a plate of pancakes and eggs and handed it over to her girlfriend. “Thank you for the breakfast, darling. Is that why you got up early, to make it for me? You didn’t have to.”

“But I wanted to!” Sayori insisted, grabbing a plate of food of her own (along with some whipped cream and sprinkles for the pancakes) as she walked with Monika over to their kitchen table. She paused as she sat down, realizing that she had forgotten to tell her something. “And also…I needed to make an important call.”

Monika raised an eyebrow. “My mom…I told her that she could sell my old house. It’s been a while since I’ve been living there, so it was just collecting dust, eheh…” Sayori chuckled nervously for a moment, but then she bit her lip. She had talked about calling her mother about this with her therapist, but not with Monika. And for a brief instant, a raincloud popped back up in her head.

_What made you think that this living situation would last forever? Monika only said she’d keep you here while you were still suicidal…and you aren’t now. She’ll probably kick you out any day now._

_No. Monika wouldn’t do that. But…it might not hurt just to ask…_

“That’s okay, right?” Sayori asked quickly, before Monika could say anything. “I mean, it kind of means that you’re stuck with me for good, ehehe…”

Monika laughed. “ _Oh no_ , you’re right,” Monika said in a strongly sarcastic tone, “I’m stuck with the most beautiful girlfriend in the entire world, forced to live with someone who considerately cooks me breakfast every other morning, makes me feel valued, loved and wanted, and is the best kisser I have ever met—”

“Okay, okay, you’ve made your point!” Sayori interjected, giggling. Monika, stopping herself, gave her a knowing look.

“Come on, Sayori. This place is just as much your home as it is mine. I want you to stay here as long as you want,” Monika said, reaching over the table to grab her hand while she smiled at her with one of those small, genuine smiles that made Sayori blush in an instant.

“Good. Just making sure,” Sayori said after another pause, smiling back at her and squeezing her hand back. As she began to take a bite from her pancakes, any rainclouds hanging over her head were noticeably silent.

_Suck on it, rainclouds._

The two continued to eat breakfast in a comfortable silence before Monika got up, making herself some coffee. Sayori, having stuffed her pancakes down her throat in fairly record time, followed her, bringing their plates over to the kitchen counter.

“You still could have come back to bed after you made the call,” Monika said, pouting slightly as she grabbed the cup of coffee. Sayori smiled fondly, realizing that her girlfriend wasn’t going to be letting this go. An electric idea coming to mind, she leaned over to kiss Monika’s cheek as she was taking a sip from her cup.

“Well…I think I’ll be able to make it up to you later tonight…” Sayori whispered quietly, a hint of underlying playfulness in her voice. Monika, mid-sip, nearly spat out her coffee as her face turned beet red.

“W-w-what do you mean by that???” Monika sputtered out, but she was interrupted by the sound of the doorbell ringing. That probably meant that Yuri and Natsuki had arrived.

“I’ll be right back!” Sayori said with a grin, turning on her heels and leaving a stunned and flustered Monika in her wake. As she walked away, she heard Monika whine in frustration, only causing the smile on Sayori’s face to widen. She _loved_ when she was able to make the usually calm and collected Monika flustered.

Still smiling to herself, Sayori opened the door. Sure enough, Yuri and Natsuki were in the doorway: the smaller girl holding a box of what Sayori presumed were cupcakes, and the taller girl carrying a bag of flavorful decorations. “Hey guys!” she said cheerfully as Natsuki looked her over with an amused expression on her face.

“Pajamas? Really?” Natsuki teased, smirking as she stepped inside. She caught sight of Monika also in pajamas as walked inside. “What, you too? Do you two just live in your bed or something?” Sayori, grinning widely, saw Monika grow an even deeper shade of red.

“Come on, Nat, we just like being comfortable!” Sayori giggled as Monika took the time to recompose herself. Natsuki rolled her eyes, glancing curiously at Monika’s red face and likely wondering what had made her so embarrassed. She didn’t seem to question it though as she brought the cupcakes into the kitchen.

“It is nice to see you two,” Yuri said politely, a small, timid smile on her face as the violet-haired girl walked in through the door with the bag of decorations. “Ahh, Monika, would you mind helping Natsuki for one moment with the cupcakes? She needs some help setting them up, and after I tried to steal one last time, I’m not certain that she trusts me around them.”

Monika, shaking out of her stupor, smiled at Yuri. “Of course,” she said, catching Sayori’s glance as she walked into the kitchen with Natsuki. Sayori watched her go, then looked at Yuri with amazement.

“You were able to steal one of Natsuki’s cupcakes???” she asked, her mouth hanging open in shock. “How in the _world_ did you do that? You have to teach me!”

Yuri chuckled nervously. “Aha, that’s not really vital, erm, information at the moment…I actually wanted to get you alone for one quick moment,” she said, becoming more serious. Sayori, noticing the abrupt change in demeanor, also became more serious. The two girls, both of whom had dealt with their struggles with depression, had definitely gotten a lot better about sharing with one another whenever something was on their mind, and there was definitely something on Yuri’s mind.

“What is it?” Sayori asked, glancing back away from them. From the sound of it, Natsuki was yelling at Monika about something regarding the cupcakes, so they would probably be preoccupied for a bit.

“It’s not anything bad, I didn’t want to worry you…in fact, it’s actually a pretty good development, I think,” Yuri said, a nervous smile on her face as she cleared her throat. “Yesterday I told Natsuki about…well, what I ended up telling you. My attempt from a few years ago.”

Sayori’s eyes widened. “Whoa.” A smile returned back to her face as she embraced Yuri in a quick hug. “Yuri, that’s incredible! I’m so proud of you!” Yuri, who jumped a little bit in surprise, gratefully returned the hug after a moment before pulling away, a relieved smile on her face. After the fact, Sayori had known how hard it had been for Yuri to tell her about her earlier attempt, but she had also understood that it was even harder to tell Natsuki, particularly while their relationship was still in its early stages. But Sayori still liked to encourage her, so she was thrilled by this development. “So, it went well?” she asked.

Yuri nodded. “Yes, it did,” she responded with a smile. Sayori already knew that Natsuki had reacted well, particularly because the two literally just walked in together this morning, but it was still good to hear regardless. “Right after I told her she became somewhat upset that I hadn’t said anything, similarly to you, but…I don’t think it came as much of a surprise to her. As I said, she already knew about my scars, so…” Yuri paused, clearing her throat. “I’m honestly not sure what I was so worried about. If anything, she’s been smothering me with attention afterwards. I…really have you to thank.”

Sayori paused, uncertain how to respond. “Oh, come on, Yuri…” she started to say, but Yuri stopped her.

“No, I’m serious! How you told us about your attempt only a day after it actually happened…that took an amount of courage I didn’t think I would ever be able to muster. Even directly after I told you, I still thought that I would never be able to tell Natsuki. But after a month of talking to someone who was able to relate with me and how I felt, I was able to. You really played a bigger role in this then you actually know, and I…it’s important that I say that. So, thank you.”

_Take the compliment. You deserve it._

Sayori smiled. “You’re welcome, Yuri.” She was still getting used to taking compliments, and even though she found it a little uncomfortable at times (especially when Monika was peppering her with lovey-dovey compliments all the time), she did feel grateful towards Yuri at the moment. “The amount of times you’ve helped me is too many to count, so I’m glad I was able to help you too.”

Yuri nodded, playing with her hair slightly. “How are you feeling, by the way? Just in general?” she asked her, a little more quietly so as neither of the other two girls could hear.

Sayori refrained from her standard, reflexive response that she was fine, and paused to consider the question for a moment: how _was_ she feeling? Well, actually…

“Good. I’m really good,” she responded, surprised that for once that answer wasn’t a lie. “I mean, therapy’s going great, Monika’s amazing, you and Natsuki are awesome, and…I still feel bad sometimes, but I feel…content, I guess?” Sayori sighed, chuckling slightly. “Ugh, I had this so much more eloquently-worded when I was writing my…” she trailed off, her eyes widening as she realized she was about to give away her big surprise for the festival. “U-umm, never mind!!”

Yuri looked at her with a furrowed brow. She looked like she was about to probe further, but at that moment Natsuki made her presence known through stomping sounds towards them.

“Are you two just gonna stand there for the entire time??? Come on, we have a festival to prepare for!” Natsuki insisted, taking Yuri forcefully by the hand and dragging her into the kitchen. Sayori, thankful for the distraction, followed them into the kitchen, where Monika was placing the cupcakes in the oven to keep them warm.

“Ahh, Natsuki, you know I’m more than happy to set up the decorations, that is why I brought them after all, but isn’t it a little silly to go ‘all out,’ so to speak, on this festival?” Yuri asked quizzically. Natsuki, not Monika or Sayori, had spearheaded the idea of setting up their own festival, so she was certainly the person to ask.

Natsuki looked at her with a confused expression. “No, why would it be?”

“Well, it’s not like anyone else outside of us is going to be seeing them,” Yuri noted. “U-unless you invited some other people that I’m not aware of.”

“Of course I didn’t invite anyone else, dummy!” Natsuki scoffed. “When have any of our festivals been made to actually attract people into joining the Club? At least now that it’s here we can stop pretending that we actually want any new people!”

“Hey!” Sayori started to protest, but then scrunched up her face in thought. “Oh…you said we can stop pretending that we want new people. Okay, great!” Sure, maybe that wasn’t the most vice-presidential thing to agree to, but at this point it was an open secret to all of the Literature Club members that they didn’t really want any new applications. Of course, though, it was up to the President to make that final decision…

Monika, shrugging with an amused smile, conceded the point. “The people who stopped by during the festival really only stayed for the cupcakes, didn’t they?” she reflected, laughing slightly through her nose. “Now we can save more for ourselves.”

“W-well, at the very least we can save more for Sayori…” Yuri said, a shy, joking smile on her lips. Sayori pouted.

“Aww, come on, I can share!” she said, crossing her arms, and then looking over at the cupcakes as they sat in the oven. She slowly walked towards them. “Although, if I can maybe try one out to see if they’re okay, then…”

“NO!” Natsuki nearly shrieked, blocking her path and pushing her away. “No cupcakes until you set up the decorations! And as for the answer to YOUR question…” Natsuki said as she whipped around to face Yuri. Her burst of anger quickly receded as she nonchalantly shrugged. “I just, like, thought it would be fun to go all out for this. Throw ourselves a private party. We deserve it.”

“She’s right,” Monika interjected, smiling. “I think that we’ve _all_ been through a lot together, so…why not go all out?” she asked. Yuri nodded as Sayori felt that familiar feeling of guilt in the pit of her stomach. She knew what Monika was referring to – after all, there’s been only one major problem in their group in the past month, and that’s been her. She knew she didn’t mean it like that, but…

_No. She’s NOT saying that you’ve burdened them. She’s saying that she’s happy you’re here to celebrate the festival with them. That’s what they’re all saying._

Sayori’s face must have shown a hint of the conflicting emotions she was dealing with, because she was broken from her internal monologue by Monika, who had walked up to her and gently stroked her cheek to catch her attention. Sayori, blinking, looked at her, and her girlfriend looked back with a silent look she had given her many times before, asking if she was alright.

_She loves you._

Smiling, Sayori moved her head a few inches up to kiss Monika briefly on the lips, a nonverbal promise that she was more than okay. Grinning, Monika reached both of her arms around her to hold her, leaning down to press her forehead against hers. By this point, Monika knew all of the tiny buttons to press to make Sayori feel loved while simultaneously flustered, and as she felt blood rush to her face, she realized that her girlfriend was intentionally trying to press all of them.

“HEY!” Natsuki bellowed, causing Sayori to jump out of Monika’s embrace. Natsuki had her hands on her hips in a standoffish pose while Yuri tried to conceal an amused smile on her face with her hand. “Did you guys just forget that we were here or what??? We have a festival to put on!”

Sayori smiled apologetically. “Ehehe, sorry Mom,” she said, walking over to the bag of decorations that Yuri was sprawling out on the floor. Monika gave her a mischievous glance and smile as she followed. Natsuki, not having any of it, stuck her tongue out at the both of them and grumbled swearwords to herself. Sayori would immediately jump in to tell her to stop swearing and that she _could_ still hear her, to which Natsuki only grumbled even louder.

The group got to work on setting up the decorations. Yuri hadn’t brought a lot – some lavender scented candles for the atmosphere, a poster to put up on the wall, and some pink and purple streamers. Sayori thought that the pink streamers seemed a little out of character for Yuri, but then realized that they were probably Natsuki’s doing. It was nice to see that the two of them had rubbed off on each other…w-wait, she didn’t mean it like that!!

After they had set up all of the decorations around the living room of the apartment, it actually looked…really nice. Monika brought out the cupcakes from the oven and put them on a little decorative plate on her coffee table, and Yuri lit all of the candles in various parts of the room as a finishing touch. Each member stepped back to look at their work with pride. They had really outdone themselves this year. If they actually were hosting this with attracting new members in mind, then they would have done an excellent job.

“Okay, good job, team! So…” Natsuki said, pausing as she turned to Monika. “What should we do now?”

Monika cocked her head to the side. “Why are you asking me? You’re the one who organized most of this.”

“Yeah, but you’re the Club President!” Natsuki insisted. “And…this is kind of all that I had planned.”

“And here I was about to step down and promote you,” Monika giggled, before becoming serious again. “Well…during the original festival we were going to perform our poems, right? Do any of you have poems that you’d like to share?”

Yuri and Natsuki glanced nervously at each other. “I, ah, we both left our poetry notebooks at home,” Yuri stated, fiddling with her hair slightly. “It would have been a tad inconvenient for us to bring them along here when we already had so much to carry with the decorations and the cupcakes. And I’m afraid that neither of us know the poems we were going to perform from memory.”

“That’s alright…if I’m honest, I haven’t written anything myself. Sayori, you already got the poem I was planning on performing for the festival,” Monika said, glancing at her. “Well, that’s okay. Anyone else have other idea—”

“I have a poem.”

All of the girls turned to Sayori in surprise, and suddenly she felt a little stage fright. But she pressed on. “I’d like to perform it…if that’s alright?” she asked.

“Of course, sweetheart,” Monika said, smiling encouragingly. “Where is it?”

“I-I have it. Uh, one minute, ehe…” Sayori chuckled nervously, walking over back to their room. Sayori had kept it hidden in her notebook, writing it at school and any other opportunity she got when Monika wasn’t around. It was important that she give this to all of them at once. Grabbing the wrinkled piece of paper, she took a deep, shuddering breath and walked back out to face the fellow members of the Club.

As she walked back into the decorated living room, Natsuki whooped. “Yeah, Sayori! Way to save the festival!” she hollered. Sayori responded with a nervous, eager smile.

“Just take your time, okay Sayo? It’s only us,” Monika said comfortingly, grabbing one of her shaking hands as Sayori held the poem close to her chest. Sayori nodded, letting out another shaky breath as the girls sat down on the couch, leaving only her standing in front of her.

Sayori held the poem out in front of her. “O-okay,” she stuttered quietly before clearing her throat. “Okay. This poem is called, _The Unbroken Bottles_. I hope you like it.” She glanced over the poem one last time before starting to read it.

“On the racks of my mind lies my shelf full of feelings

Good, bad, happy, sad, warm, fuzzy, and cold

I learned when I was little to unscrew my head

In order to separate the good feelings from the bad

I took the warm, fuzzy feelings from my head

And put them into bottles, screwing them shut with a cap

Memories, people, and moments went into bottles on a bookshelf

So I could look at them and remember things aren’t so bad

 

But when I tried to put the bottle caps on

Rain from rainclouds overhead fell into the bottles before they were screwed shut

Sometimes it was so much that I dropped them, and the bottles fell to the ground

Shattering into a million pieces

The bottle is gone, and the happy feeling is gone with it

Part of me dies when I look at the glass on the floor

 

The shattered bottles on the floor hurt my feet as I walk

But I keep on holding the recovered feelings that haven’t fallen

As I walk to the bookshelf and put them up there

But with rain inside them, the bottles are foggy and dirty

I don’t feel happy looking at them

I’m left staring at this bookshelf full of tainted bottles, and I feel it’s my fault

Because the only things left in my head to comfort me are cold and unfeeling

And they say I’m the one who let the rain inside the bottles

And that they would be better broken into pieces on the ground

And that if you don’t leave them be, they’ll knock themselves off the shelf”

 

Sayori took a deep breath to steady herself. It was getting easier to read the poem, but now the hard part was coming up.

 

“And…after one too many broken and foggy bottles, I snapped

And I couldn’t take it anymore

I knocked over the shelf and the bottles with it

Watching them all break, all of the happiness with it dissipating

In order to create a coffin of shattered glass for myself

 

But before I laid down on the bed I had made

I noticed a few stubborn bottles had survived

Bottles that refused to break, to relinquish their happiness

And they glowed a violet, magenta, emerald glow

Telling me to not fall down so soon

Because their happiness was my happiness, too”

 

Another deep breath.

 

“To the bottles which I almost broke

I will never stop apologizing for almost breaking you

I betrayed all of the trust you had in me

And most importantly, I betrayed myself

Because I wanted to rob you and me of the happiness

Which made me want to preserve you in the first place

If you still haven’t fully forgiven me, then I don’t blame you

Because I don’t fully forgive me yet either

 

I can’t promise that I will always feel better

Or that I will always feel thankful that I made it

Or that I will be perfect, or that I won’t make mistakes in the future

But I promise to not break any more bottles

Because I won’t be putting my feelings into bottles anymore

They deserve to be let free, to roam and mingle happily

By trapping them in bottles, I was denying them and myself the happiness we deserved

 

I promise to be my honest and true self from now on

I promise to get rid of the masks I forced myself to wear for my entire life

I promise to speak from the heart, even when it isn’t always convenient

I promise to love myself as much as I try to love others

I promise to not be ashamed of the rainclouds that will still sometimes rain down on me

And I promise to never give up on myself and on you again

 

Th-that’s my poem. I, uh, I love you all. One of you more than everyone else, but I think you all understand that, ehehe. Thank you for listening and for…for everything.”

 

Silence. Sayori’s eyes had been glued to the crumpled sheet of paper the entire time. As she looked up from her poem, she heard applause. Natsuki was clapping and whooping, while Yuri was just applauding loudly alongside her. And Monika…tears ran down her face, and the smile she was wearing was the most beautiful smile that Sayori had ever seen. Her girlfriend stood up from the couch, and the two of them embraced each other.

As she kissed this wonderful, beautiful girl who had saved her that cold, dark day one month ago, Sayori smiled to herself. She knew that she had made the right choice, staying here. Because in this amazing moment, Sayori felt something that would have been completely unfamiliar one month ago. She had had a hard time describing it before now, but after reading the poem, she knew what the feeling was.

She felt alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END! 
> 
> Told you that the wait wouldn't be as long for this last chapter! Although this is more of an epilogue of sorts than anything, just to tie up some loose ends and make sure this ends on a happy, fluffy note. And goddamn, this is quite a lot of fluff. Thankfully the next story I'm working on deals with a lot more angst, so if that's more your style then keep an eye out for that. 
> 
> I really want to thank everyone that stuck with this story until the very end. I know that the gap in between chapters 5 and 6 was long, and I'm really, really sorry about that. I sort of got inspiration to write this at the spur of the moment, and decided to keep with it and here we are now! It was actually pretty therapeutic for me to write, if I'm honest, even though there were times where I was writing this that were very hard for me. All of your comments and kudos have really kept me going - this small little story has gotten much more attention than I could have ever possibly imagined.
> 
> Thank you all again! And if you like my writing, then be sure to look out for ANOTHER DDLC fic that I have in the works, which I've started work on and the first chapter should be released soon! (With sporadic updates)


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